1. The people you don't want to listen to are usually right.
2. Frank's Red Hot is real good on a lot of different foods.
3. There's nothing wrong with scooping out my bagel. I can eat my food how I want it, and so can you.
4. Flu shots don't work.
5. Once you put something up online, it will be there forever.
6. Real love isn't for the faint of heart.
7. Cutting your own bangs is easy, but it seems easier when you're drunk. You're welcome.
8. People who are often grammatically incorrect aren't necessarily idiots.
9. People who are often grammatically incorrect and claim to harness the English language with a golden saddle are idiots.
10. Blue goes fine with black. Wear it right.
11. Work in a restaurant before you complain in a restaurant.
12. It's time to redefine the word 'friend.'
13. Spray-painting furniture is incredibly easy.
14. Everything is actually incredibly easy once you commit to following through.
15. Something above this sentence is a bold-faced lie.
16. The best garage sales I've found are in Rockaway Beach.
17. The best thrift shops I've found are in Milwaukee.
18. Playing pool is a great way to learn how to win at games other and larger than pool. Stack those quarters.
19. Eggs Benedict always sounds like a fantastic idea, but is always a terrible idea.
20. The more I learn, the more confused I am.
21. Stop being so awestruck by fame.
22. If you went there, try to have fun with the fact that you came.
23. If you walk into a building at which you're supposed to check in with the doorman, and you don't have time to check in: pretend you work there, and you won't be hassled while you wait for the elevator. Helpful Hint #1 = headphones. Helpful Hint #2 = sunglasses. Helpful Hint #3 = look disgusted about something, something going on with your smartphone.
24. Not even an Otter Box is a match for my wiley iPhone ways.
25. Don't spend your money on excuses.
26. NYC brand makeup makes great lipsticks. Buy them. 34 of them = 1 from Chanel.
27. New York is safe. Calm down. Take the train.
28. New York isn't that safe. Don't be an idiot.
29. Be selfish. You can't do anything for anyone until you do everything for yourself.
30. Don't waste money on cabs unless you're about to piss off someone really important.
31. Delis hide the Splenda. It pisses me off.
32. If you take your big-ass-but-not-huge bag through security at the airport, you can feign sadness when airport personnel insists to check it at the gate. And it will be free.
33. Getting out of the city is very important. If you don't believe me, get out of the city.
34. If you don't know what you're talking about, be quiet. If you don't know what to say, speak up.
35. Please support these local businesses: Strawberry and Rainbow. You're welcome.
36. Stop getting the shakes when someone asks you to go out of your way to Brooklyn or Queens. By the time you're done shaking, you'd have been there already.
37. Wear your seatbelt. That way, you won't fly out your sunroof. Like I would've.
38. If you say you're going to do something, you'd better fucking do it.
39. Ray-Bans cost $150, or there are ones that look the same that cost $5 on the street. You're welcome/I told you so after you leave the real ones at the diner and you're trying to swim out of your rushing river of tears.
40. Everything will always take too long. Leave early.
41. The only things worth investing in are art and love. Everything else rusts.
42. Try to take your own advice once in awhile.
43. Rental cars end up being so much more expensive than you think they will.
43a. So do dinners with friends.
43b. So do rides in gypsy cabs.
43c. So do recurring transactions that you forget to cancel.
43d. So do emotional investments in people with bad emotional credit.
44. The best mascara is Great Lash Big in Blackest Black, and it's $3.99.
44a. The best comedy is at UCB, and it's $5.00.
44b. The best pizza is at Roberta's, and it's really expensive.
45. Nothing paints misery like Black Friday in Soho when you were supposed to have just landed in Jamaica.
46. Making out at the bar isn't cute.
47. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.
48. If you're in the kitchen, say, 'Behind you.'
49. If you're behind me, you better watch your front.
50. Even if I seem aggressive: I'm very shy, and ten times more sensitive than shy.
51. Don't build a life without a foundation.
52. Don't lie. It's not cute*. (It's really not. For you. In the longrun. You're welcome.)
*Some of you may not know me well enough to know what I mean by 'cute.' The sillier it sounds, the more serious it is. Unless it isn't. Serious. Great explanation, right? If this didn't make sense to you, I'm sorry, or, there may or may not be a floatation device underneath your seat. And, be sure to secure the oxygen mask on the person next to you before you secure your own.
53. Learn how to take everything ten times as seriously as you think you should whilst taking all of it ten times less seriously than you think you should.
54. Go running.
54a. Stop dieting.
54b. Orange is the New Black.
54c. Just kidding.
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