By Jill Di Donato, Sexpert at EnjoyGoodDays.com
#1. Healthy sex is a mindset
Whenever you have sex, do it for reasons that make you feel good. That could mean doing it with someone you love and trust, but it could also mean doing it with a stranger you just met and won't ever (hopefully) see again. If what you're after is a fun, commitment-free experience where the goal is pleasure alone, there's no reason not to seek that out.
#2. Guilt is a waste of energy
Feeling bad about one night stands is pretty pointless. If you used protection, felt physically safe, and found the sex enjoyable, you have nothing to regret. A little sexual adventure doesn't mean anything about you morally. If you're feeling like you did something "wrong," ask yourself, "Am I really uncomfortable with last night, or have I been programmed to think about my actions, my choices, and my body in a certain way that has little to do with me per se, but more to do with social expectations of how women should act?" Own your decisions. You made them for a reason, and you do only live once.
#3. Anonymous sex is pure
I can't take credit for this one. In her 1973 novel "Fear of Flying," Erica Jong introduced the concept of what she called a "zipless f***" For those of you unfamiliar with the term, Jong wrote, "The "zipless f*** is absolutely pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no power game. The man is not 'taking' and the woman is not 'giving.' No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone." Although Jong recanted (after selling 20 million copies and becoming a cultural icon), I still think there's something intriguing about the "pureness" she saw in sex with someone you don't know. It's kind of like "no muss; no fuss" sex, and like one of my guy friends puts it, "We do it, and then I leave." There's something honest there that I respect.
#4. One night stands can be emotionally less draining than other types of casual sex
We've all been there. We tell ourselves we're not going to get emotionally attached, and keep the relationship "just about sex." I know in my experience at least, once I get naked with someone, we kiss and touch and sweat together, I become more vulnerable. My "casual sex" attitude usually goes out the window, but I'll spend months in denial of my true feelings, and the "no muss; no fuss" ends up a mess. One nighters are a good way for women who have a hard time separating the physical from the emotional to try to experience a purely sexual encounter – without ANY expectations.
#5. One night stands are perfect for revenge sex
Your man cheated on you; your BFF hooked up with your ex. You found out the entire time you were with your former boyfriend he had a secret obsession with his hot co-worker. These are the times when a gal can feel down on herself. Honey, there's no reason to feel bad about you – it's the other people involved who've acted inappropriately. Rather than self-loathing, why not live through your anger? After all, you have a right to be, shall we say, pissed off? Interestingly, research has found that the circuits in the hypothalamus, which is a factor in both sexual arousal and aggression, are linked. http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=sex-and-violence-linked. Speaking from experience, revenge sex can be exhilarating in a transgressive, primal way. The physicality of sex does wonders for your endorphins and because you've been so worked up and "pissed off," you tend to loosen up and stay focused on the pleasure of the moment. For the being anyway, you can forget about the people who've wronged you. Note: lovemaking this is not. One night stands are perfect for revenge sex because if you have it with someone in your shared social circle, even if you claim otherwise, you have ulterior motives, and someone is likely to get hurt.
#6. Times are tough, and there's no guarantee Mr. Right or Ms. Right will come along
So why be chaste while you're waiting? And on that note, don't be a man's fallback girl, you know, the one he's using to get over his ex or sleeping with until someone better comes along. One night stands can remind you that you still got it, and the thrill of the adventure can help you stay away from guys who aren't worth your time.
#7. You can't sleep your way into his heart
The truth is, you might think that sleeping with a man brings you closer together. This could be true; this could be not. Be honest with yourself. Are you really looking for emotional nurture from this guy? You're not going to find that from casual sex, sorry. When you have casual sex with the hopes of making an enduring connection, you're leaving yourself open to rejection and disappointment, because frankly, you're being delusional. Casual sex is just that. Don't expect him to care about you just because you're getting it on. Unless you're dating, in a relationship, or a serious partnership, no man is going to give you emotional nurture. But you can give it to yourself. One night stands are a great way to practice fulfilling your own needs, and exploring what you want in the moment.
#8. Life doesn't always have to have a plot
And as a single gal or guy you have the luxury of playing around with an alter ego. Sometimes we need a break from the doldrums of the nine-to-five, followed by spin class, and then Mexican with our homies. A one night stand gives you a chance to play with a fantasy persona and take a break from being the fabulous woman you are to being some other fabulous woman. I'm not talking about living a double life; I'm talking about one night. No strings attached, and you can just go with the flow.
#9. The more you know yourself, the better sex you will have
Period. When the driving force behind going into a one night stand (whether consciously or unconsciously) is to fill a void, to get over someone else, or to make yourself feel more desirable, it typically results in you feeling much worse the next day after you've parted ways. Most likely, if you're feeling any hesitancy or are not 100% positive it's the right thing to be doing at the time, the best decision would be not to. But if you do, be sure to be safe, focus on the moment, and the potentially very enjoyable experience.
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