OK, let’s just get this one outta the way. Except for maybe your dog dying, there is literally nothing worse than crapping your pants when you just thought you were going to fart. A shart is the worst fart.
20. Sex Fart
There’s really no bouncing back from this one. Whether it’s with a new partner or your significant other of many years, there’s simply no way to feel sexy after a fart creeps its way into the bone zone. Hopefully you guys can laugh off/ignore what just happened and pick up where you left off.
19. The Surprise Fart
This one’s pretty horrible, because you literally have NO clue it’s coming. You could be giving a presentation at work, asking someone out, or just standing around having casual conversation with a friend, and BOOM — you cut one loose, apropos of nothing, and man is it LOUD.
There’s a reason “deadly” is in the name of this fart. It literally makes everyone — including the person whose butthole from which it escaped — want to DIE. Hopefully you’re in a big enough group where people can’t figure out it was you, but if you’re not, you might want to flee the scene and head straight home without turning back.
17. The “in the Bathroom While You’re Talking to Someone” Fart
Rule No. 1: Don’t carry your bathroom banter into the stalls when you’re chitchatting with co-workers, or anyone, in a public restroom. You risk the embarrassment of farting during conversation, and honestly, if you can’t fart in the bathroom, where can you?
16. The Prolonged, Bubbly Fart
This one is pretty bad. It’s sounds like dominoes falling, amplified by, like, a thousand. It’s so loud, it scares your pets and makes you feel filthy because a living, breathing animal that licks its own butt is terrified of what just escaped out of yours. Even when you’re alone, it’s simply a shameful situation all around.
15. The First Fart in Front of Your New S.O.
Unless you have a particularly flatulently liberated partner (in which case, lucky you!), this one can be pretty humiliating, especially if it’s in the bedroom (see: sex fart). But it can also serve as a means of bonding — everyone farts, and you’re a grade-A jerk if you can’t laugh one off. Farts bring everyone closer, is what I always say.
13. The Fart So Loud It Wakes You Up
Particularly bad if you’re a light sleeper and you can’t fall back asleep, this one is sort of a bummer. You’re woken up for no good reason at all, but at least it gives you a reason to chuckle first thing in the AM.
12. The “Pull My Finger” Fart-Loving Jokester and Nothing Comes Out Fart
Embarrassing! But also, like, fart jokes are so old and are always received with mixed reviews, so you had it coming. Just fart when you need to fart. Don’t make a spectacle out of it.
11. The Office Fart
It’s hard to look — and feel — like a professional when you’re breaking wind all over the damn office. Not a good look, even for the jolliest of professionals, and you’re bound to make a few enemies in your general vicinity.
9. Hangover Fart
This type of gas-passing is particularly satisfying given all that crap you shoved down your gullet last night in the form of alcohol and pizza and burritos. It’ll probably relieve you of at least some stomach discomfort until it comes time to head to the toilet in a serious way.
8. Shower Fart
The sheer power of your fart is always magnified, for whatever reason, in the shower. The good news is, you’re alone (hopefully), and you’re getting clean enough to rid yourself of residual stink.
7. Airplane Fart
Up in the sky, no one can hear you fart (generally), BUT people can still smell it. It’s sort of the same as the subway SBD (see below) except your neighbors have a longer window of time to get a whiff and transform into your mortal enemies.
5. Silent Fart in a Crowded Train
This one pretty much rules because even if it’s a stinky one, no one will ever know it was you (especially if you’re cute and put-together-looking). Fart on, fair commuter, fart on.
4. Airy Fart
This one is a pretty non-offensive fart, and sort of feels like a cute fairy popping outta your b-hole.
3. Swimming Fart
Perhaps the most refreshing of all farts, but you do risk the telltale ripple effect.
2. The Deliberate Fart for You and Only You
Letting these bad boys out first thing in the morning or before you head out for a night on the town is always sure to make you feel light on your feet and put that extra spring in your step. Go on and carpe diem without all that pesky gas weighing you down.
1. The Silent But Also Not Deadly Fart(!)
This is the fart we all dream of having. (Unless you’re some sort of fart FREAK.) Unobtrusive and gets the job done — no questions asked, no one needs to know. Rare and elusive, the silent but also not deadly fart is the best fart.