What’s Your Snack-Food Horoscope?

With so many options for stuffing your piehole between meals, how in the world are you expected to make the right decision? Just look to the stars for your answer, that’s how.

1. Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)

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You heavily value your friends — I mean, the water bearer literally represents the community of mankind. You are a humanitarian, and you just want to make the world a better place. What are you waiting for? Go and get your friendly little mitts on a family-sized container of hummus and a giant bag of pita chips and share it with your pals. Actually, make that two containers — you know you’ll be too indecisive to settle on just one flavor.

2. Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)

You’re at your best when you’re in or near the sea, and you’re drawn to oceanic colors like blue and green. So why not snack away your troubles with the help of some umami-rich, crunchy seaweed snacks? You’re more prone to stomach issues than any other sign of the zodiac, and seaweed is thought to help with digestion issues like like bloating, nausea, and gas. Seaweed snacks: healthy and erasing the crippling fear of flatulence one bite at a time. Sign me up.

3. Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Always fun to be around, you approach everything in life with a sense of childlike wonder. Tap into those carefree, innocent times with a package of Dunkaroos — they’ve been discontinued, but you can still find them on eBay and Amazon. You love an adrenaline rush, so scoring one of these rare gems will be a true thrill. (All sold out? Get your fun-loving little paws on a pack of Handi-Snacks.)

4. Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re known for your determination and everyday razor-sharp focus. You are practical and reliable, just like tiny Chick-o-Sticks that fit conveniently in your purse or pocket without crumbling into bits. You can buy bite-sized nuggets of Butterfinger’s cool (and vegan) older cousin here, or at your local candy store, probably. Keep up that focus by regulating your blood sugar with perfect little Chick-o-increments.

5. Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

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You love nightlife — and for the post-party munchies, nothing’s more reliably satisfying than big greasy bowl of French fries, dipped in ketchup, BBQ sauce, mayo, mustard (don’t judge me), or the condiment of your hazy drunken choice. The idea of being stuck in routine horrifies you, so go ahead and switch up those sauces, homie. Check out the menu at NYC’s Pommes Frites for inspiration.

6. Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

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You value serenity, harmony, and family life. Basically, you just want everyone to feel good! Aw. You may come across to some as having a hard outer shell, however, but it’s only because you’re a natural protector — just like M&M’s, whose hard candy shell protects their sweet, mushy, happy little chocolate insides. Dump a family-sized package in a bowl for everyone in the house to enjoy, and you’ve got yourself a snack made in astrological harmony heaven.

7. Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)

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A love of luxury and glamour constitute the core of your very being — and you adore nothing more than drama and being the center of attention whenever you waltz your way into a room. Invest in a chocolate fountain, into which you can dip the fruits, pretzels, graham crackers, and sweets of your wildest dreams all while losing yourself in delusions of grandeur amongst your houseguests. Or just your cat.

8. Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)

Diana Taliun/Diana Taliun

 

Before a you plunge into anything, from a project at work to vacation plans, you need to analyze all the facts and familiarize yourself with every last detail before you make a decision. Don’t let your overanalytical nature get in the way of kickin’ back during snack time — forgo the stress-inducing analysis of all those ingredients on processed snacks and dip those phalanges into a jar of all-natural peanut butter, baby.

9. Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)

You love social harmony and the company of others — smooth and laid-back, you value relaxation above all else. Just like a jar of Nugtella! Yeah, that’s right: hash oil + Nutella = Fun Dreamtown, USA. You’ll find it at dispensaries in California, so if you’re not on the left coast, just take the journey that’s been written for you in the stars. Or, you know, make some pot brownies and hang out with all your friends and laugh or something.

10. Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)

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You love romance, and red is one of your best colors. It’s a no-brainer, really: Chocolate is an aphrodisiac, so break off a piece of that Kit-Kat for your lover and snack your way to romantic bliss. Or just eat the whole thing yourself while you’re sitting alone in your apartment and make sure your dog doesn’t lick up any of the crumbs. (Also, as one of the most resourceful and intense signs of the zodiac, consider incorporating these into a SUPER-INTENSE candy salad…if you dare.)

11. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)

 

Energetic and enthusiastic by nature, you love to explore a culture through foreign cuisine — and as a fire sign, the spicier the better. Head to an Indian food store (or Amazon) and grab the biggest bag of aloo bhujia you can find. Enjoying these crunchy, spicy potato snacks while you snack on your couch will be the next best thing to flying to Bombay and washing them down with some Thums Up — which you should probably do soon, anyway, you natural-born traveler, you.

12. Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)

Practical, pragmatic, and a workaholic by nature, you generally feel best when you’re playing it safe. You know just what you’re getting into with a 100-calorie pack of Ritz Snack Mix, but its contents are just varied enough to make you feel like you’re lettin’ loose a little, tiger. You’re a natural leader and insanely organized — so a box of these makes it easy to plan your snack game for the week. Switch it up with some 100-calorie pack Oreos next week.

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