How To Make The World’s Best Candy Salad

Sorry not sorry.

1. BEHOLD, the most terrifying salad on Earth.

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2. WHYYYYYYYYYY does this exist?!!!??

*question posed as 1/3 whine, 1/3 joyful exclamation, 1/3 miserable whimper*

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3. Because.

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4. Once upon a time, I was a vegetable-hating teenage stoner with a simple, red-eyed passion:

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5. There was just so much chocolate in the world. I needed to find a way to eat all of it, all at once, forever.

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6. OK SO: First, gather these finest of ingredients.

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You want at least one representative candy from the following categories: pretzel, peanut butter, peanut, caramel, nougat, cookie, crunch. You’re also going to need chocolate syrup, a big-ass bowl, a mixing spoon, a cutting board, and a knife.

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7. NO FRUIT CANDY! What are you, some kind of health nut or something?

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8. First, add everything that’s already small enough to eat with a spoon.

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This will include, like, your M&Ms and Milk Duds.

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9. Then add your first layer of chocolate syrup. You can’t have salad without dressing, right?

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The syrup acts as a binding agent, so that everything sticks DELICIOUSLY together.

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10. Next, strip down your wrapped candy so you can cut it up.

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But not before taking a second to pile it all together and feel like the King Midas of candy.

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11. Chop any candy that’s larger than your thumb into small pieces so it will fit into a spoon.

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12. Candy cross sections are LUSCIOUS.

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13. After every few layers, add more chocolate syrup and stir, scooping up from the bottom to evenly distribute your candy.

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14. Garnish with M&Ms for color.

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*drools on own keyboard*

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15. To serve, you can leave it in its birthplace to be scooped into bowls or mugs…

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I want to live inside this thing.

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16. …or get fancy with it!

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17. In closing, I’d like to say both “I’m sorry” and “You’re welcome.”

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18. Candy Salad

This is a miracle in a bowl. Bring it to a party and you will INSTANTLY become the most popular person in the room.

Small candies
Reese’s Pieces
Milk Duds
Pretzel M&Ms
Chocolate-covered peanuts

Candy bars
(You can buy minis or full-size bars; you’ll need to chop them into smaller pieces either way.)
Nestle Crunch
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Kit Kats

Regular M&Ms
Peanut M&Ms

Chocolate sauce

Put all the small candies in first. Top with chocolate sauce. Chop any candy bars into small pieces that would fit into a spoon. Add chocolate syrup every few layers, mix it up. Garnish with M&Ms and more sauce. Eat with wild abandon.

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