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How To Make The World’s Best Candy Salad

Sorry not sorry. posted on

1. BEHOLD, the most terrifying salad on Earth.

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2. WHYYYYYYYYYY does this exist?!!!??


question posed as 1/3 whine, 1/3 joyful exclamation, 1/3 miserable whimper

3. Because.

4. Once upon a time, I was a vegetable-hating teenage stoner with a simple, red-eyed passion:

5. There was just so much chocolate in the world. I needed to find a way to eat all of it, all at once, forever.

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6. OK SO: First, gather these finest of ingredients.

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You want at least one representative candy from the following categories: pretzel, peanut butter, peanut, caramel, nougat, cookie, crunch. You’re also going to need chocolate syrup, a big-ass bowl, a mixing spoon, a cutting board, and a knife.

7. NO FRUIT CANDY! What are you, some kind of health nut or something?

8. First, add everything that’s already small enough to eat with a spoon.

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This will include, like, your M&Ms and Milk Duds.

9. Then add your first layer of chocolate syrup. You can’t have salad without dressing, right?

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The syrup acts as a binding agent, so that everything sticks DELICIOUSLY together.

10. Next, strip down your wrapped candy so you can cut it up.

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But not before taking a second to pile it all together and feel like the King Midas of candy.

11. Chop any candy that’s larger than your thumb into small pieces so it will fit into a spoon.

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12. Candy cross sections are LUSCIOUS.

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13. After every few layers, add more chocolate syrup and stir, scooping up from the bottom to evenly distribute your candy.

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14. Garnish with M&Ms for color.

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drools on own keyboard

15. To serve, you can leave it in its birthplace to be scooped into bowls or mugs…

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I want to live inside this thing.

16. …or get fancy with it!

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17. In closing, I’d like to say both “I’m sorry” and “You’re welcome.”

18. Candy Salad


This is a miracle in a bowl. Bring it to a party and you will INSTANTLY become the most popular person in the room.

INGREDIENTS
Small candies
Reese’s Pieces
Milk Duds
Pretzel M&Ms
Rolos
Chocolate-covered peanuts

Candy bars
(You can buy minis or full-size bars; you’ll need to chop them into smaller pieces either way.)
Twix
Snickers
Nestle Crunch
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Kit Kats

Garnish
Regular M&Ms
Peanut M&Ms

Chocolate sauce

PREPARATION
Put all the small candies in first. Top with chocolate sauce. Chop any candy bars into small pieces that would fit into a spoon. Add chocolate syrup every few layers, mix it up. Garnish with M&Ms and more sauce. Eat with wild abandon.

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