17 Things All Valentine's Day Haters Must Do In London

No pink hearts in sight.

1. Bounce

Instagram: @jenewens87.herbalife24 / Via tripadvisor.com.ve

On Saturday 13th, Bounce are hosting their annual Anti-Valentine's party. It's only £5 entry, and inside you'll find ping pong, face painting, and an entrenched loathing for all things romantic. Beware amorous couples hoping to sneak in – there are Love Police inside to make sure the party stays smooch-free.

2. Tonkotsu

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You know what's great? Ramen. You know what's extra great? Ramen that isn't double the price because it's sodding Valentine's Day. Tonkotsu is the best ramen in London, their menu will stay exactly the same on V-Day, and they have shared tables, so eating solo is totally fine (I have eaten alone here many times, and can confirm no one gives you pitying looks).

3. The London Transport Museum

If you want to do something lovely with your other half that isn't nauseatingly heart-themed, I highly recommend going to the London Transport Museum's Scent and Spirit of London event this Friday. It's all about vintage perfume and drinks, and will have Alice Lascelles, liquor-expert, and my actual girl-crush, there to talk about cocktails and sign copies of her book. They will have champagne and classic cocktails so you can always just go solo and get blotto on Corpse Revivers.

4. Suicide Girls Ballroom Blitz

Facebook / Via Facebook: sgballroomblitz

Rock 'n' roll and debauchery? Sign me up. The Suicide Girls (a squad of seriously sexy, tattooed burlesque dancers) are hosting their sixth anti-Valentine's Day ball at Electric Ballroom in Camden on Friday the 19th of Feb, and as the kids say, it's going to be "badass". Find tickets here.

5. Blue's Kitchen

Instagram: @theblueskitchen

There's no better way to mope than with a little blues, so if you don't fancy sulking at home, go sulk at a Blues Kitchen. This Sunday, the Camden branch will be hosting a Sunday Blues jamming session, Shoreditch has Gospel Sundays and Brixton has their Blues Kitchen Choir, so you can pray for salvation from all the bloody pink.

6. Ziferblat

ziferblat.co.uk

I really don't understand why anyone would go moon into someone's eyes when they could be playing board games. Ziferblat has board games, a truly excellent name, and everything inside is free – they only charge you for the time you spend inside. So go here, drink yourself into a tea-fuelled stupor, and refuse to talk to anyone unless they're reminding you it's your turn to throw the dice.

7. Barrio

Barrio

Barrio are holding an anti-Valentine's party on the 13th and it will involve TEQUILA. According to Barrio, the party is based off a big fiesta in 1929, when a mob of singletons associated with the Hips Don’t Lie gang (led by mob-boss Shakira, I'm assuming) of south-side Mexico City, drank themselves silly on mezcal and decimated everything in sight. The parties at their Central and North locations are free, and the one at Barrio East is £5 entry. If you go, I fully expect you to do the Hips Don't Lie gang proud.

8. Barrafina

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I'm a big fan of eating your sorrows away, so in my opinion the best way to get through V-Day is to just keep eating until it's over. Obvs you don't want to go anywhere they have tables full of couples staring longingly at each other, so the answer is restaurants with shared tables. At Barrafina everyone has to eat their (gloriously good) tapas a bar surrounding the kitchen, so the only eyes you'll be staring longingly into will be the chef's. As it should be.

9. Below & Hidden

Below & Hidden

The hidden bar under Bourne & Hollingsworth Buildings are hosting a Lovers and Haters-themed anti-Valentine's party. There'll be dancing, drinking and I'm really hoping an end of night pagan ritual that involves burning a large supply of Clinton's cards.

10. The Drapers Arms

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Do something positive with all that anti-Valentine's hatred, and go to The Drapers Arms. Stellar chaps that they are, they're going against the consumerist grain and donating their entire night's takings on V-Day to Refuge. Trust me, it won't be any hardship either. Their food is bloody good (oysters and pheasant and cod with crispy chicken skin, oh God and now I"m hungry).

11. Mr Fogg's Gin Parlour

Facebook / Via Facebook: foggstavern

GIN. The antidote to every ailment, including Valentine's-itis. Their gin parlour hosts gin odysseys for you to get wibbled on various tastings. If you pop along just as you are though, their lovely bartenders will be more than happy to talk you through the gin and help you decide just how you want to get drunk that evening.

12. The Spa at Brown's

roccofortehotels.com

Brown's Hotel in Mayfair is doing a series of tongue-in-cheek spa treatments for V-Day, including but not limited to: the No Man Manicure, the Too Pretty To Be Single Facial, and my personal favourite, the Bitter & Twisted Muscle Relax Message. Because why spend money on overpriced dinners and gifts when you can spend it on pampering the most important person in your life: you.

13. Ma Plucker

Ma Plucker

Ma Plucker are boycotting V-Day this Sunday and instead holding their new Ma Plucking Quiz. It's a quiz combined with fried chicken and I just don't know how you can get any better than that.

14. Battersea Dogs And Cats Home

Facebook / Via Facebook: Battersea

The MOST ADORABLE way to do Valentine's Day, ever. Battersea Dog and Cats Home is hosting a special Valentine's event on Friday 12th called, wait for it, FELINE LONELY. Do you get it? Feline Lonely. It's a cat rehoming event that involves champagne, and is also the perfect way to get started on my life's ambition: becoming a crazy cat lady, surrounded by felines dressed in Disney princess outfits and various knits.

15. Mien Tay

Mien Tay

Mien Tay is hands down my favourite Vietnamese restaurant in London. They have a location in Shoreditch and one in Battersea, I have eaten in both and both are fantastic, so take your pick. Also, I can confirm that they are one of the few restaurants in London not doing an extortionate Valentine's menu. Go, order a big bowl of pho, or my favourite Bún chả giò nem nướng, and slurp away as loudly as you want.

16. Flight Club

Facebook / Via Facebook: flightclubdarts

Booze, darts, pizza and friends. No need for any mushy stuff when you have that kind of killer combination. Flight Club (a very cool place to go play darts) is holding a "For The Love Of Friends" event this Saturday and Sunday, where if six or more of you book, you all get a free sharing cocktail. Also, this has got to be the most swish place to play darts ever. They have touch-screens and animated real-time scoring. Sorry local pub, you've just been outclassed.

17. The Black Penny

The Black Penny

Ahhh, brunch. Brunch is always there for me, through thick and thin, with a well-timed mimosa and just the right amount of bacon. So, I insist you show appreciation for the only lover worth celebrating this V-Day and brunch it up in style at The Black Penny. They have crispy confit duck on their brunch menu, and that is right there is what you call true love.