emilyfayes
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    • emilyfayes

      I lost my four-year-old son over two years ago and I think about this a lot: That I grieve aloud, allowing friends, family and strangers to see. It’s a strange place to inhabit, but it allows me something selfish…to make sure Finn is always there, that he isn’t forgotten, that no one for one second thinks, ‘look Emily’s smiling in that photo, she must be over it.’ Because I’ll never be over it. I can only hope to learn to live with it, because forever is a long time to live without the only person you ever loved with every fiber of your being. I wonder if people get tired of seeing my posts about Finn, about my grief, about the fact that right now, that’s who I am and maybe who I’ll always be. But he is what’s on mind, all the time, every day and every night. I choke back tears, swallow the lump in my throat, try to engage in normal activities. But once you mourn a loss so deep, you live a new normal. In our social networking age, I have chosen to mourn in a public setting. Or rather, I just can’t seem to stop sharing. Is it oversharing? Probably. But this is a path I never imagined walking and I’m still trying to figure out the best route to allow joy to exist with the deep, soul wrenching sadness.