Top 5 "The X-Files" Episodes To Watch When Experiencing A Breakup

It’s bikini season. Or at least the season of “stop wearing your long johns to the grocery store, it’s too hot, even for you.” So rather than eat a tub of cookie dough ice-cream when crying about your latest disappointment of a man, retreat into your Netflix streaming account and watch how a real man, a secret agent man, would (or would not) treat you oh-so-right… all while battling government conspiracies and a porn addiction.

5. Never Again (Season 4, Episode 13)

Sweet Ink, Brah

In Never Again, Jodie Foster (real-life besties with Gillian Anderson, aka Agent Scully, aka the woman who, next to Tea Leoni, has spent the most time smelling Agent Mulder's sweet manly scent) guest-stars as the voice of a tattoo named Betty. Betty's a bit of a possessive bitch so she tells her owner/psycho-of-the-week Ed Jerse to kill people. Scully may be a scientist, but she's an idiot when it comes to picking men, and of course sleeps with Mr. Jerse. Not that we can blame her. Men with ink are hot. At least your ex's crazy-possessive mother/best friend/sister/co-worker/drinking buddy didn't promote murder. And no matter how spacey your ex was, at least he didn't think his tattoo spoke to him. Or if he did, at least he didn't listen. Or if he did, maybe you should be contacting Fox Mulder while simultaneously purchasing a firearm. And some condoms.

4. Chinga (Season 5, Episode 10)

Congratulations. You're not a parent. You did not give birth to this evil Hell beast who likes dolls. (Do you know how expensive dolls are? They cost a lot more than booze.)

In Chinga, a little girl’s murderous doll psychically forces people to harm themselves, like the trees in The Happening but with less Mark Wahlberg talking to trees. Thank God your miserable ex never knocked you up: you could give birth to a child who has no problem allowing her doll to kill your friends and loved ones, including your lame butcher boyfriend. Meanwhile, Mulder is too distracted binging on porn to offer Scully any useful guidance, forcing Scully to go all badass on her own. Who needs a man when you own a gun and sweet, sweet shoulder pads?

3. Requiem (Season 7, Episode 22)

Parental Responsibility? No thanks. Beam me up, Scotty.*

In Requiem, Duchovny’s last major episode before (spoiler alert) he returns for the series finale, Fox Mulder allows himself to be abducted rather than stay with his (seriously, spoiler alert, people!) pregnant co-worker and the mother of his child Dana Scully. Talk about a low blow. Rather then help raise his child like a responsible adult, Mulder would rather let himself be abducted—not to mention probed—by little green men, making him the ultimate man-child. Meanwhile, instead of just ending the show with Duchovny's departure, series creator Chris Carter would choose to continue The X-Files for another two years, allowing it to wallow in mediocrity. In other words, Fox Mulder and Chris Carter prove to be bigger disappointments than your ex could ever be.

*Yes, the reference doesn’t quite work, so sue me.

2. Pilot (Season 1, Episode 1)

Apparently secret agents are expected to sleep in full makeup.

Where it all began. As far as first dates go, yours was nowhere as emotionally draining—not to mention dangerous—as Agent Scully’s first foray into the paranormal with Agent Mulder. Be thankful that no man in your life is as obsessed with the occult as him, complete with the lame nickname (“Spooky Mulder”) and self-defeating put-downs. Or if they are mini Mulders, they better be as good looking.

1. Home (Season Season 4, Episode 2)

At least this isn’t your mother-in-law.

Incest, deformity, death-by-baseball-bat-beating, this is one of the most popular and critically acclaimed episodes of The X-Files. It’s also by far the series’ most disturbing. At least in your current single state you are nowhere near sleeping with your own children to continue the pure family lineage. (Welcome to your future, Cersei Lancaster!) Then again, this just might be the episode for those of us who have given up.