34 Things Ted Cruz Wants Us To Imagine

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) announced his candidacy for President of the United States at Liberty University. During his speech, he asked his audience, mainly composed of Liberty students, to imagine lots of things.

1. Imagine your parents when they were children.

Okay, cool.

2. Imagine a little girl growing up in Wilmington, Delaware during World War II, the daughter of Irish and Italian Catholic family, working class.

Okay, that's a little bit specific, but okay, I see it.

3. Imagine a teenage boy, not much younger than many of you here today, growing up in Cuba. Jet black hair, skinny as a rail.

Oh, like that Elian Gonzales boy? Right, done.

4. Imagine for a second the hope that was in his heart as he rode that ferry boat across to Key West, and got on a Greyhound bus to head to Austin, Texas to begin working, washing dishes, making 50 cents an hour.

Dammit, okay, that's a lot. I'm just gonna think of the ferry boat. I like boats.

5. Imagine a young married couple, living together in the 1970s, neither one of them has a personal relationship with Jesus. They have a little boy and they are both drinking far too much.

Oh, that one is easy.

6. Imagine another little girl living in Africa, in Kenya and Nigeria. That’s a diverse crowd.

That one's pretty straight forward if you keep away from the stereotypes, I guess.

7. Imagine another teenage boy being raised in Houston, hearing stories from his dad about prison and torture in Cuba.

These are a lot of kids you're asking me to imagine, Ted.

8. Imagine, imagine millions of courageous conservatives, all across America, rising up together to say in unison “we demand our liberty.”

Hulton Archive / Getty Images

Okay, take away the conservatives part, think more about courage, aaaaaaaand done.

9. Imagine instead millions of people of faith all across America coming out to the polls and voting our values.

Ohhhhhhhh, okay. I see what you mean. Gotcha.

10. Imagine millions of young people coming together and standing together, saying “we will stand for liberty."

Pacific Press / Getty Images

Are we still imagining Americans?

11. Imagine instead of economic stagnation, booming economic growth.

That's like a chart, right? I can think of a chart.

12. Imagine young people coming out of school with four, five, six job offers.

Wait, are they good jobs?

13. Imagine innovation thriving on the Internet as government regulators and tax collectors are kept at bay and more and more opportunity is created.

"Thriving on the Internet." All I do, man. All I do.

14. Imagine America finally becoming energy self-sufficient as millions and millions of high-paying jobs are created.

Yeah! Energy jobs! Wait... what do you mean this doesn't count? YOU SAID "SELF-SUFFICIENT"

15. Imagine health care reform that keeps government out of the way between you and your doctor and that makes health insurance personal and portable and affordable.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS DOESN'T COUNT EITHER? Could you tell me, specifically, what else you have in mind? No? OK, then.

16. Imagine a simple flat tax...

Oh, for f**ck's sake. How am I supposed to imagine that? Who was that guy who liked it? Steve Forbes? OK, I'll think of him.

17. Imagine abolishing the IRS.

I don't know man, that's a freaking huge building.

18. Imagine a president that finally, finally, finally secures the borders.

YEAH! BUILD THE DANG FENCE!

19. Imagine a legal immigration system that welcomes and celebrates those who come to achieve the American dream.

Katie Falkenberg / Photograph: Katie Falkenberg/The

BOOM. That was easy.

20. Imagine a federal government that stands for the First Amendment rights of every American.

I go by the newseum every day.

21. Imagine a federal government that works to defend the sanctity of human life and to uphold the sacrament of marriage.

Wait, I heard another guy say those exact same words once.

22. Imagine a federal government that protects the right to keep and bear arms of all law-abiding Americans.

YEAH! GUNS! Wait, please define "law-abiding".

23. Imagine a federal government that protected the privacy rights of every American.

Wait, you mean the government goes through my phone? Ahhhh, I have some images to delete, brb.

24. Instead of a federal government that seeks to dictate school curriculum through Common Core imagine repealing every word of Common Core.

That's... wait... okay, so Common Core. Wait, no... I'll just think of students. Yeah, okay. Students.

25. Imagine embracing school choice as the civil rights issue of the next generation...

More students? How bout some buses? Yeah. Civil rights buses.

26. Instead of a president who boycotts Prime Minister Netanyahu, imagine a president who stands unapologetically with the nation of Israel.

David Hume Kennerly / Getty Images

I can think of one!

27. Imagine a president who says “I will honor the Constitution, and under no circumstances will Iran be allowed to acquire a nuclear weapon.”

Wait, what does the constitution have to do with... okay. I'll just think of WMDs.

28. Imagine a president who says “We will stand up and defeat radical Islamic terrorism...”

This is all very familiar.

29. Imagine it’s 1775, and you and I were sitting there in Richmond listening to Patrick Henry say give me liberty or give me death.

Boom. Is that Patrick Henry? Did they wear wigs then? I'm sure they wore wigs.

30. Imagine it’s 1776 and we were watching the 54 signers of the Declaration of Independence stand together.

Don't have to imagine! We alllllll seen that painting, right? Damn, Jefferson, that is a mighty fine undervest you're wearing there...

31. Imagine it was 1777 and we were watching General Washington as he lost battle, after battle...

Wait, slow down, Ted. 1777? Okay, geez, give me time to think forward. Okay, Washington. Boom. Done.

32. Imagine it’s 1933 and we were listening to President Franklin Delano Roosevelt tell America at a time of crushing depression, at a time of a gathering storm abroad, that we have nothing to fear but fear itself.

GEEZ, TED. SLOW DOWN. FDR? Okay. Man. FDR was badass, man.

33. Imagine it’s 1979 and you and I were listening to Ronald Reagan. And he was telling us that we would cut the top marginal tax rates from 70 percent all the way down to 28 percent.

REAGAN! YEAH... wait, what? Taxes? Nah, I'll think of him riding a velociraptor. F***CK YEAH REAGAN!

34. You can also text "imagine".

Wait, you want me to text you? Why? That's weird, man.