17 Things That Every Lesbian Experiences On A Night Out

Welcome to Hell, but with less fire and more undercuts.

1. You put on your smartest button-down.

Etsy

You know the one. Your "pulling shirt". Old Celeste. The one that's probably from American Apparel, and therefore overpriced and #problematic. But it's soooo nice and you look so pransome in it. You know – simultaneously pretty and handsome. The Lesbian Dream.

2. You get rowdy with your lesbros.

BBC

Little known fact: lesbians basically invented pre-drinking. It starts off nice and civil. You catch up on how each other's cats are doing (they grow up so fast!) over a bottle of white wine. Twenty minutes later, someone's put on Rack City and you're all telling gross sex stories and rating butts. Women's butts. You start to worry a little bit about the sociopolitical ramifications of emulating lad culture, then eventually silence your inner Lisa Simpson with seven beers.

3. There is loud vagina talk on the bus.

The Craft

You're on the way to The Club and, all of a sudden, it's of the utmost important that everyone in the immediate (and not that immediate) vicinity knows some stuff about your vagina. Even if it's just that you happen to have one. This bus trip is all about yours and your friends' genitals, anyone who can't deal with that can do one.

4. You sashay into The Club, making eye contact with NO ONE.

Arthur/ PBS

Everyone knows that, on entering a lesbian club, to meet another woman's gaze is to wilfully unleash the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Just bee-line towards the bar and pretend that all the incredibly attractive people around you are furious and rabid mandrills. Do not. Provoke. The mandrills.

5. You will suddenly feel very old.

NBC/ The Mindy Project

...if you're 25 or over, that is. It begins to dawn on you that everyone in here, outside your group of friends, is an actual foetus. You wonder who clicked refresh on The Lesbians.

6. Time for SHOTS!

NBC/ Parks and Recreation

After an brief argument with your friends about whether tequila or sambuca is more disgusting, you settle on some shots. They're extremely horrible. You hate them. But you want to get laid, so you take your damn medicine.

7. "Who do you like?" your friends will ask.

Sony Pictures

Your friends, all of whom are in comfortable relationships, ask you this repeatedly until you give in and point to someone, anyone, just to shut them up. This isn't an actual cattle market, FFS. Except it kind of is. Moo.

8. You appoint a valiant wingwoman.

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Oh, you are SO about to regret pointing out that pransome girl with the peroxide pixie cut. "It's fine, I'll just go over and say hi. Relax," says your self-appointed wingwoman. Yeah, and what the tits am I supposed to do when you bring her back over here? I've forgotten most words. Shit. Fruit, I'll ask her what her favourite fruit is. No, that's abysmal. I'm just going to hide in a toilet cubicle until this whole thing blows over.

9. A man hits on you.

Friends / NBC

There are so few things in life of which we can be absolutely certain. But hear this. The sun sets in the west, you were the fastest sperm and, if you're a lesbian, when you're out on the pull at least one man will crack onto you. Usually, he just appears out of nowhere and starts talking about how he loves short-haired women. Does he even know he's in a lesbian club? Who is he with? Why is he wearing a suit? You'll never know.

10. You will have a crushing realisation.

bossip.com

Hang on a sec. Isn't everyone in here sort of... familiar? Tinder. You know them off Tinder. You're trapped inside Tinder. Tinder, Tinder, Tinder. Tinder, but made of real life people.

11. You will do more shots.

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Face it, tonight isn't going brilliantly. You're getting closer and closer to the 2am Desperation Rush and, so far, all you've managed is to grimace-smile at someone then run away. Aren't you supposed to be in your prime? Why aren't you having weird sex in an abandoned crisp factory with three circus performers you met in a squat? You've never even been to a squat. Or a crisp factory. HARD LIQUOR PLEASE.

12. There will be so much sweat.

FOX/ American Horror Story

Decent lesbian club nights are rare. When one comes along, you're crammed into a poorly ventilated nook with many, many writhing bodies. Which could, potentially, be sexy. But it's not. You're sweaty. Ferociously sweaty. Your sweat is sweating its own sweat. You catch your reflection in a glass and a moist, panda-eyed hot mess looks back at you. What have you become?

13. Everyone starts to snog, except you.

Regent Releasing/ Nina's Heavenly Delights

You look around and realise that everyone has started making out. You don't know where to look. You look at your feet. Your feet are so much less interesting than everyone making out. There is no God.

14. Your thoughts will move towards sustenance.

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You start thinking about all the unholy, grease-sodden, life-shortening fried matter you're going to abuse your body with, on the way home. Sex isn't on the cards, chips are. Swings and roundabouts, mate.

15. You get a bit dancey.

giphy.com

Since 212 came out in 2011, you've heard it exactly 13,167 times. By some miracle, you still aren't sick of it. Every time it comes on, you forget about all of Azealia Banks's homophobic Twitter beef in an instant. And you're all like, "Hey, I can be the answer, I'm ready to dance with the Fanta, and when I dip that chip get the camera...". Or whatever.

16. The kebab shop's siren call will sound.

Flickr: father_jack Creative Commons

You're exhausted. You're achey. You're broken. You're over it. Time to hit the neon-lit meat palace. And everyone else queuing for a kebab is just like you and there's this almost quite beautiful undercurrent of unspoken solidarity. We are one, kebab queue. We are one.

17. It's time for feelings o'clock.

Mean Girls/ Paramount

It hits you like a chubby emotion bus: your lesbros are the best people in the world. Suddenly you're simultaneously weeping, stuffing your face with chips and telling your friends how much they mean to you. And the kebab man, and that Belgian girl you met thirty seconds ago, and Fiona Bruce. They all mean so, so much. You can't even string a sentence together, you just eat and sweat and cry. But they all love you back. Probably.