1. Ah, spring in New York!
There’s nothing like spring in New York. After a long, brutal winter, it’s a time of rebirth, a time of pure natural beauty, a time of…
4. And they’re ruining your life.
Who’s hogging that bench in the sun? Couples. Who’s holding up the Trader Joe’s line? Couples. Who’s TAKING UP THE WHOLE SIDEWALK SO THEY CAN HOLD HANDS? Obviously couples.
5. And it’s just like, we get it.
Hey, you’re in love. It’s warm out. That’s awesome. FOR YOU.
6. But really, couples are just the worst.
THE WORST. Are they even really in love or are they just outside because they can’t stand being cooped up together anymore??
7. Regardless, there is no better reminder that you are single.
Everywhere. You. Go.
8. Perhaps you should clear your head in the park?
NOPE. Unless you like being surrounded by people mauling each other on blankets.
9. How about cooling off at a movie?
HAHA OH WAIT NO, those couples are all blocking your view of the screen because they just HAVE to touch heads the whole time.
10. Maybe a trip to the museum?
WRONG AGAIN. Families with snot-nosed, screaming children and strollers. Strollers that are always, constantly, in the way.
11. It’s true, being single in New York in the spring is really the worst.
Because who doesn’t want a reminder that everyone is paired up except you?
12. No, but really, I’m so happy you’re all so happy.
Sending best wishes!
13. You guys are my inspiration!
To delete all my online dating accounts and give up.
14. I just want what you have.
Though, if I can’t have it, neither should you.
15. But seriously, I’m not bitter.
I LOVE being crowded against you as you make out on the subway. THE SUBWAY. It’s nice to be so close to real love.
16. Besides, I’m busy working on me.
Me is really close with Seamless. Me rules at Netflix. Me is throwing myself into redoing my pinterest boards and just has NO time to date right now.
17. Love is totally overrated anyway.
Single means no compromising, never having to share your dinner, or pretending to care about anyone else’s interests. Treat yoself all day, every day.
18. It’s not like I’m even asking for a lot.
If I did care. Which I so obviously don’t.
19. Just a few minor requirements, really.
If you pay for dinner, that’s cool with me too.
20. I’m also resolving to be more positive.
I’m positive I don’t want to see all your sun-soaked, love-filled faces.
21. At the end of the day, NYC is a tough town all around.
And dating here blows.