12 Hours In The Life Of Prince William As A New Student

The diary of a day in the life of the new royal student. It’s gonna be banter.

1. 12pm: Woke up with the sort of hangover papa likes to call ‘The Cromwell.’

2. 1pm: Chundered in the loo and thought I could see an image of Christ but it turned out to be undigested asparagus.

3. 2pm: Lost my signet ring. Pretty sure it came off last night when I tried to do an Ali G finger snap to a bouncer at Fez

4. 3pm: Went downstairs for brekka but could only find some Duchy Original water biscuits and pickled onion flavour Monster Munch. Ate the Monster Munch

5. 4pm: Was playing Fifa and suddenly remembered I’m president of the FA. Who says there are no jobs for graduates?

6. 5pm: Thought about going to the library but ended up getting some tinnies in and watching 4 episodes of Come Dine With Me

7. 6pm: Hazza called and asked me if it was a good idea to go to a fancy dress party as Pol Pot. I said yes as long as you don’t sing any of his songs from X Factor.

8. 7pm: Had such a long bath that my hands started to look like my grandfathers

9. 8pm: Old Spice, Geo Trumper, comb over, talc, union jack boxers and bingo I’m ready for the night.

10. 9pm: Me and the boys swing by to the Kings (get) Head for a goblet or five of the amber nectar

11. 10pm: It’s Jager Bomb time. I nail three until I’m a tiny bit sick in my mouth, which I swallow back down for the liege points.

12. 11pm: Absolutely constitutional monarchied and end up draining one’s lizard on the street.

13. 12am: Bloody rozzers turn up and I end spending the night at granny’s pleasure. Good bants though.

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