1. I'm confident, I know what I want.
2. I have no idea what I want, or even who I am?
3. I just had a haircut, why did I book this?
4. I should have washed my hair at least once in the past week.
5. I hope my guy is here. I like my guy. His hands are like muscular leather cushions.
6. Jizzbuckets, my guy isn't here. It's that other weird guy who smells like Lynx Africa and Tic Tacs.
7. Please don't talk to me.
8. Do I want a fade? My guy would never ask me that.
9. I wonder if any of them use those clippers on their pubes.
10. If you're going to use clippers, for the love of Christ don't make me look like Novak Djokovic.
11. I should never have sanctioned the use of clippers. I knew that was going to be the death of me one day.
12. Stick with the short back and sides. Always the short, back and sides.
13. Short back and sides can't hurt you.
14. Is it weird to close your eyes when someone you don't know is ever so softly massaging your scalp?
15. Eyes open. Keep them at all costs.
16. Don't let on that there's now soap in your eyes and the pain is unbearable. Take it to your grave.
17. Oh, god, he's going to start asking me things now, isn't he?
18. Please don't ask me things.
19. What is the least I can say without being a twat?
20. What's so bad about just answering "yes" when they ask if you live around here anyway? I do live around here. That is a factually accurate response.
21. Actually, this isn't looking too bad at all.
22. Do you know what? Sometimes I'm think I might actually be alright look...
23. Oh Jesus, sweet Christ! I look like the new born son of Ross Kemp.
24. Why does this happen every time?
25. Ah, it's alright again. What sort of dark magic is this? Don't ask. Nothing's worth that.
26. That big pointless brush actually really hurts.
27. Act like you didn't even notice it. But please, if there is a god, don't let them brush my face again.
28. My skin now feels like cauliflower looks.
29. No one has ever done anything other than nod silently when they bring out the behind mirror thing.
30. And no one ever should.
31. Whatever they say to you don't buy any products. Don't even look at them. If they catch your eye, they've won.
27. I don't want to pay a tip.
28. I have to pay a tip.
29. Accept the card with their name on politely because you'll be throwing it in the bin as soon as you leave.
30. They put far too much product in my hair but it doesn't matter because I'll just re-do my it in the window of that Vauxhall Corsa parked outside.
31. I'm never coming back.
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