1. BREAKING NEWS
An ongoing investigation claims Brooklyn Nine-Nine actor Andy Samberg has a rare condition in which his face does not have skin, but a “soft and malleable consistency,” not unlike Silly Putty.
2. Yet-to-be-named sources close to Samberg report the condition is due to a freak accident involving “artificially altered, super koi fish.”
3. These accounts are backed by multiple instances in which Samberg lost control of his face in public and was unable to regain composure.
4. Since the alleged incident the Golden Globe winner has gone through multiple surgeries, but to no avail.
5. The unexplainable disease has caused excess stress in Samberg’s personal life. Sources indicate he is constantly fleeing mad scientists and evil doers who wish to recreate his condition.
6. Apparently his dating life has also suffered as former partners likened sharing a bed with Samberg to “waking up in David Lynch’s wet dream.”
8. Although the Emmy winning actor and comedian has attempted many methods of controlling his ailment, sources say the most successful remedy requires applying pounds of glue multiple times a day.
This caused Samberg to adopt a more private lifestyle. When asked to comment, close friend and fellow Saturday Night Live alum Fred Armisen said Samberg’s dressing room “had six deadbolts and remained locked at all times. [Samberg] never let anyone inside without a signed slip from Late Night Overlord Lorne Michaels.”
10. On a positive note, the supposed disease is often useful in Samberg’s comedy career as his face can be stretched and contorted to resemble a variety of different celebrities.
Notice the dripping on Samberg’s face. Spit or face-goo? You decide.
It is even suspected this malady prompted Samberg’s exit from Saturday Night Live in favor of the pre-taped sitcom Brooklyn Nine-Nine. SNL makeup artists claim the burden of “transforming a monster into a man” multiple times a night was slowly bankrupting the 40-year-old program.
14. Even without worrying about a live audience, the Grammy nominated singer and actor must take frequent breaks to perform exhausting facial workouts.
Fellow Brooklyn Nine-Nine actor Melissa Fumero recently stated that Samberg’s face is a frequent problem on set. She revealed Samberg has threatened fellow cast members with harassment suits on more than one occasion and has subsequently earned the nickname “Big Ugly Baby,” or “Bub” for short.
16. You can attempt to catch momentary lapses in Andy Samberg’s facial control on Brooklyn Nine-Nine every Tuesday.
17. UPDATE: BUZZFEED EXCLUSIVE
A recently leaked photo of Andy Samberg and Brooklyn Nine-Nine co-star Terry Crews is leading authorities to suspect Samberg’s condition may be contagious. Both actors are now quarantined in an undisclosed location; however inside sources tell us it is deep underground, possibly near the Earth’s core. Stay tuned for more updates!
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