1. The ferry boat is a trap.
On busy days, cast members will try to lure visitors out of the monorail queue by saying the ferry boat takes the same amount of time. Do not believe their lies.
2. Your fingerprints validate your existence.
The new system scans your park pass and then assigns your fingerprint to it. This is not for show. Use the same finger each day or you’re not getting in.
3. It’s damn near impossible to walk down Main Street because everyone wants their photo op.
Professional Disney photographers, family groups, couples, forever-alone Disneyphiles — everyone is funneled down Main Street and everyone has to take their iconic picture. Including you.
4. Walt Disney believed in magic, not shade.
Sure, you see trees in the Magic Kingdom… The magic is, somehow they don’t ever throw shade onto the walkways. Be prepared to drop some serious cash on an ice-cold spritzer fan.
5. He also did not believe in bench seating.
With its estimated 17 million visitors per year, you’d think Disney would have seating scattered throughout the park. You’d think that, but you’d be wrong.
6. Fastpasses turn everyone into douchebags, even you.
More social experiment than queue management, a finite number of Fastpasses are doled out for popular rides every day. Get them when you can. Then cut to the front of the line while everyone seethes and hates you. Conversely, seethe and hate Fastpass riders who are ARTIFICIALLY INFLATING THESE WAIT TIMES, COME ON!
7. The Magic Kingdom calls the fireworks the “Kiss Goodnight” instead of the accurate “Kiss of Death.”
The end-of-day fireworks are amazing. Stay for them! But know what you’re getting into. Literally hundreds of other guests also stayed, meaning you will all be herded, like the consumer cattle you are, into the monorails afterward. It’ll be the longest line you stand in all day.
8. The Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse is a trap.
There is never a line for this “ride” because it isn’t a ride — it is exercise masquerading as entertainment. No one under 35 even knows what this treehouse is, much less wants to climb 116 steps to look at non-animatronic sets full of Victorian-era stuff.
9. Rides break down…a lot.
Not dangerous “Tell my wife I love her” break down but “Sorry a wheel is slightly out of alignment SHUT DOWN EVERYTHING,” so just be prepared. It’ll happen at least twice per
10. Cast members give zero fucks if you just take a photo of your ride photo.
Seriously. Like your on-ride photo but short on cash? Just snap a few angles from your cell phone. No will stop you. No one cares.
11. The animals are fearless hungering beasts.
That’s some nice popcorn/French fries/assorted snack you have there. It’d be a shame if something…happened to it. Whatever you do, don’t blink. Hell, some of the apparently cannibalistic birds will steal a bite of turkey leg while you’re holding it.
12. The “interactive line” for The Haunted Mansion is also a trap.
It’s definitely interactive — if you enjoy touching things literally thousands of other people have also touched — but it’s also twice as long as the regular line. It’s hidden behind a fence line for a reason.
13. Speaking of, Disney is a queue troll master.
Never get your hopes up, never believe you are close to the front of the line. The major rides are full of blind turns and switchbacks to keep guests in the dark and mollified while they wait.
14. Face characters no longer freely roam the park.
You want to meet your favorite princess or other animated character? Hope you’re ready to stand in line for up to two hours for the privilege of that autograph.
15. It is damn near impossible to find an ICEE on a hot day.
In scorching summer heat, nothing sounds better than semi-solid frozen sugar. If you crave an ICEE though, the only place to find one in ALL the Magic Kingdom is the little snack hut nestled under the Astro Orbiter in Tomorrowland.
16. No one listens to the numerous “no flash photography” warnings.
Disney is full of dark rides that require guests to sit in the dark (obviously) and not take photos every five seconds. This is an impossibly Herculean task for some tourists, hell-bent on recording family memories and blinding everyone in the process. You are helpless to stop them.
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