1. Cryptic status updates
I don’t fucking care about your emo shit. What do you mean “I have seen more of the empty”? Fuck you. Keep that shit in your Sunday book club meetings. If you have something to say; say it. Using a social network as your passive agressive bullhorn of nondescript messages to cry for help and attention is only successful at making you seem like a 3 year old.
2. Invites for Out Of State events
I would really love to go to your event but we both know it’s geographically impossible for me to be there. So save yourself a fucking click and get me off your list. Furthermore, don’t think that having an event is an excuse for you to spam me with your stupid updates. Oh and stop adding me to your friend’s events. I dont like spam from you. What makes you think I like spam from strangers?
3. Phantom tags
Dude… that’s not me. I wasn’t there. No, that’s a fucking lamp. Fuck you. Are you that starved for attention that you can’t rely on the News Feed to show me if there’s anything relevant in your fucking life?
4. Friend requests from strangers
No, I don’t know anyone named Justice Imperative. And I don’t think I’ve ever met a fucking cartoon cat. It’s called Facebook people! Show me your fucking face! Leave that fucking pseudonym shit in MySpace. Oh there… better. I don’t fucking know you. *IGNORE*
5. Wall spam
No! I said leave that shit in MySpace! I will not be a fucking billboard for your stupid agenda. I don’t care if you have a fucking show to promote. Keep it on your fucking wall. If its any good I’ll hear about it.