1.
In the winter, they cannot be escaped...
2.
As soon as you put them on, they try to will you into submission.
3.
Slowly, they start to terrorize your legs with itchiness.
4.
Especially around the lady bits, which they know is your weakest spot.
5.
Then, they start constricting your bladder, making you want to pee ALL THE TIME.
6.
Next, they go for your internal organs, suffocating you slowly.
7.
With every step you take, they shift for maximum discomfort.
8.
They drain your bank account.
9.
And yet they tear on the first wear just to spite you.
10.
They even use your own humanity against you.
11.
The crazy math chart on the package is a lie. There is no right size.
12.
And it's not like you can tell how long they are by taking them out of the package because they always look like they're made for Ooompa Loompahs.
13.
They either cut off your blood circulation altogether.
14.
Or droop and laugh silently as you desperately pull them up over and over again.
15.
Thought you'd cheat the system with thigh-highs? Think again.
16.
What about fishnet stockings you say? A net of misery.
17.
The store is always suspiciously "out of black," so sometimes you settle for colored ones and look like a tool.
18.
Or wear nude which is, as the name suggests, basically like being naked but with all the aforementioned problems.
19.
But even in opaque, they quietly pull up your skirt to reveal your butt to the world's mockery.
20.
And after all this suffering, you're still fucking freezing.
21.
The only good part of wearing tights is coming home and ripping them off!
