1. In the winter, they cannot be escaped…
You are bound to them, or bound to goosebumps.
2. As soon as you put them on, they try to will you into submission.
NOW YOU’RE MINE, they whisper silkily.
3. Slowly, they start to terrorize your legs with itchiness.
I want to scrape off my entire upper epidermic layer.
4. Especially around the lady bits, which they know is your weakest spot.
You can’t scratch in public and you can’t run into the bathroom every five minutes. You’re defenseless.
5. Then, they start constricting your bladder, making you want to pee ALL THE TIME.
There is no earthly torture greater than this.
6. Next, they go for your internal organs, suffocating you slowly.
7. With every step you take, they shift for maximum discomfort.
9. And yet they tear on the first wear just to spite you.
A tiny hole appears and, like a herpes outbreak, it spreads quickly and unavoidably.
10. They even use your own humanity against you.
Now you look like a hot mess, but what can you do? Take them off? Nope. You’re trapped.
11. The crazy math chart on the package is a lie. There is no right size.
12. And it’s not like you can tell how long they are by taking them out of the package because they always look like they’re made for Ooompa Loompahs.
13. They either cut off your blood circulation altogether.
14. Or droop and laugh silently as you desperately pull them up over and over again.
15. Thought you’d cheat the system with thigh-highs? Think again.
The stick-ons don’t stick. The back straps require intense flexibility. They’re always one step ahead of you.
16. What about fishnet stockings you say? A net of misery.
They contradict the entire woeful establishment.
17. The store is always suspiciously “out of black,” so sometimes you settle for colored ones and look like a tool.
18. Or wear nude which is, as the name suggests, basically like being naked but with all the aforementioned problems.
19. But even in opaque, they quietly pull up your skirt to reveal your butt to the world’s mockery.
Makes you miss pants real bad.
20. And after all this suffering, you’re still fucking freezing.
Because they are made out of nothing and nothing.
- Wes Craven, who directed "Scream" and "A Nightmare on Elm Street," has died of brain cancer. He was 76. ›
- For the first time in history, there are three major hurricanes in the Pacific east of the International Dateline at the same time. ›
- Taylor Swift won Video of the Year for "Bad Blood" at the MTV Video Music Awards. ›