1. Complain when you’re literally three minutes late.
You work nights and weekends without getting paid overtime, but yea, those three minutes in the morning make aaaaall the difference.
2. Expect you to read their minds.
It’s a good thing you listed “telepathic abilities” as one of your skills on your resume.
3. Treat you like you’re a moron.
If you forget that thing that they said that one time six months ago, you are clearly mentally deficient.
4. Give you completely contradictory instructions.
Like “Accommodate the clients, but don’t give them what they want. Be in control, but also, give them the control.” Right, sure, no problem.
5. And then act like it’s your fault when things go wrong.
6. Make you do the most unpleasant parts of their job.
When you took the job you didn’t realize you were secretly taking up the post of Office Scapegoat.
8. Use passive aggressive lingo.
While using that slow, trying-desperately-to-sound-polite drawl.
10. Tell you you need to be “independent” and “manage yourself.”
11. But then get angry when you don’t doublecheck with them about every single tiny thing you do.
“I’m sorry I undermined your authority. Can I have your written permission to use the bathroom please, boss?”
12. Tell you to always ask questions.
Because their “door is always open.”
13. But then get annoyed when you ask questions.
14. Treat you like their pet monkey.
DANCE MONKEY, DANCE.
15. Act like your ideas are stupid.
But then take credit for them when upper management thinks they’re good.
16. Expect you to structure your entire life around them.
Just because you don’t make a lot of money, doesn’t mean you’re entitled to sleep or a social life.
17. Play favorites.
“I’m sorry you don’t like my ‘vibe.’ I will see what I can do about acquiring a new one.”
18. Talk to you like you’re a naughty two-year-old.
19. Tell you to do something when they see you’re already doing it.
Just in case you forgot who’s in charge here.
20. Act like you can just teleport into the office.
The boss often lives two blocks away from the office, thereby forgetting that the office amoeba live in the far corners of the city and cannot apparate in like Dobby the house elf.
21. Abuse the meaning of the smile.
Smiling used to indicate that someone likes you and thinks you’re great. Now it can mean anything from “I have no human empathy for your despair” to “I can’t wait to fire your ass.”
22. Wonder “where you were” when you’re away from your desk for more than thirty seconds.
And you can’t say “Sitting in the bathroom, breathing in shit, just to get away from you.”
23. Talk about the importance of a pleasant work environment and then run the office like a small labor camp.
24. Tell you they need an employee who “isn’t just in it for the money.”
Good thing you took an office job because you were passionate about Miscrosoft Excel.
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