1. Wow, it's loud in here.
2. So. Many. People.
3. Crikey, men's clothing has changed a LOT since I went shopping last.
4. Oh wait. This is Topshop. TopMAN is upstairs. PHEW!
5. (It's so much easier for women to shop. I kinda envy these women shoppers.)
6. So. Much. Plaid.
7. Can I really spend £14 on a plain T-shirt?
8. But two T-shirts for £12 is a bargain, right?
9. How V am I willing to let my T-shirt neck go?
10. Will I look like a knob if I buy a T-shirt with a '90s music act emblazoned on the front?
11. What is it with all the placenames written on T-shirts?
12. Wait, what size am I? This S is too XS, the M is too L, the L is too XL. HELP.
13. A man can never have too many zip-up hoodies.
14. Hmm, do I like polo necks?
15. £20 for a plain jumper? Thanks, Obama.
16. "Topman Ltd – Quality-Made Clothing". Erm, as opposed to the rest of Topman's clothing?
17. Argh, so many shoes!
18. Wait, what size do I take again?!
19. Are brogues still a thing?
20. Strap or laces?
21. Ow, should these shoes be ripping the shit out of my posterior heel?
22. Hmmm, these soles don't have much grip.
23. How do I feel about slip-ons?
24. Ditto plimsoles?
25. Ditto loafers? Will I just look like a Made in Chelsea try-hard?
26. Oooh, coloured laces!
27. Is it weird that I'm kind of offended by the "Ask the Missus" brand name?
28. I really want a pair of Doc Martens.
29. I like New Balance, but I'm afraid they're becoming the new MBTs.
30. Wait, even allowing for a discount, how do students have more disposable income than me? BLOODY STUDENTS.
31. I wonder how can I scam a student card.
32. How much is too much to pay for a belt?
33. Also for underwear? And socks?
34. Three pairs of socks for £7 will never feel like good value. Ooh, but these ones have pictures of pineapples on them. SOLD!
35. Hmmm, I'd better buy medium or large-size underwear in case the sales assistant judges me.
36. I could see myself lounging in those Calvin Klein jammies.
37. £10 for sunglasses. They must offer top-class protection for the eyes.
38. What kind of accessories man am I? Bracelets? Earrings? Chains?
39. Come to think of it, this chain is a bit Golden Girls.
40. I'm not ashamed to want a natty manbag.
41. That said, it's a fine line between a satchel and a purse these days.
42. Woo-hoo, a sale! The stuff I deemed too expensive/naff at the height of the season is now half price!
43. Oh. It's only all L and XL stuff left.
44. This suit fits well, but, man, I won't be doing any fancy dance moves wearing this.
45. Dickie or tie?
46. Tweed or plain?
47. Red trousers... Is the world ready for them again?
48. But pink is totally acceptable now, right?
49. There's not much warmth in this jacket.
50. Damn it, I knew I should have brought more sizes to the dressing rooms.
51. How dressed do I have to be to nip back out onto the shop floor for another size?
52. Can I really ask the assistant to do that for me? Do they really do that?
53. What's that? "Personal shopping"? No extra charge? I want to go there.
54. Yes, I will have a beer while I sit here and you run around the shop looking for items based on my sketchily outlined instructions.
55. Christ, dude, what have you returned with?
56. Erm, these are nice, but I'm not sure they're me.
57. Fuck, I have to buy at least one of the things the shopper brought back, don't I?
58. I'll take those socks you brought up. Thanks a mill.
59. RUN.
60. Dare I go floral?
61. £30 for a pair of shorts? Not today, Satan!
62. OK, the jeans section.
63. Shit, what's the law about wearing matching denim again?
64. I have a headache already.
65. What human man can fit into waist 26 jeans?
66. Skinny, slim, regular slim, stretch slim, skinny, stretch skinny, cropped stretch skinny, spray-on skinny, super spray-on. What the actual fuck?
67. Hmmm, these look a little too tapered, but maybe they'll fit...
68. Nope. They don't even pass my knees.
69. Do these ones look like "mom jeans"?
70. How much should I be considering "mankles" when choosing jean length?
71. Argh, nothing bloody fits me.
72. That's it, I'm joining a gym.
73. Oh god, am I too old to even be shopping in here?
74. Nah. I've still got it.
75. Balls, I've already passed six guys wearing the exact thing I've just bought.