I Marathoned All 7 Fast And Furious Films And Kept A Running Diary

Because watching less than 7 movies in one day is for weaklings or people with jobs. I fall into one of those categories. Can you guess which one?

ABC / Via abcnews.go.com

Before two day ago, I have never watched a single movie from the Fast and Furious franchise. I know, shame on me. I never planned on watching Furious 7, but since I had so much time on my hands, I decided that I would, at the height of my genius, marathon all six other films and then make my way to see the most recent film. And even more, I kept a running diary of all my thoughts and tried to keep them as spoiler free as possible for other losers like me who haven't bothered to watch these films. Actually, I'm pretty certain there are no spoilers. So without further ado, it's time to ride or die (I finally understand the reference).

The Fast and the Furious

• 3:25 - Do people drag race in Converse Chucks? Apparently so.
  
• 3:58 - Let it be known that the very first word that Paul Walker says in the FF Franchise is "SHIT".
  
• 5:25: TUNA NO CRUST.
  
• 6:10 - I can't believe people dressed like this in 2001. I'm embarrassed for the human race.
  
• 6:35 - "What is he? Sandwich crazy?" OOUUUU BURRRRRN. GET SOME ALOE FOR THAT BURN.
  
• 7:37 - WHOA. Cheeseburger and fries for $2.95?! Sign me up.
  
• 8:24 - Must be a hell of a tuna sandwich.
  
• 12:25 - Edwin needs to not speak in the third person.
  
• 23:01 - Because about 100 cars driving away from the same location isn't suspicious AT ALL. You don't need to be the fastest. You just need to not be the slowest.
  
• 39:55 - OMG THEY ARE USING FLOPPY DISKS LOL.
  
• 52:55 - Oh god. This oil torture? Oil boarding? What do you even call this?!
  
• 1:13:13 - Jesse is a fool.
  
• 1:14:30 - Tran has 0 chill.
  
• 1:23:35 - IF HE LOSES HIS ARM I'M GOING TO LOSE MY LUNCH.
  
• 1:27:09 - Thanks to Mythbusters, I know for a fact that it would be impossible for Brian to hang onto the roof of that car without falling off. Movie magic folks.
  
• 1:28:23 - Because when your buddy is about to die is the best time to tell your girlfriend's brother than you're a cop.
  
• 1:34:45 - He didn't kick away the gun. Isn't that like the first rule of police work to kick away the gun? COMMON BRIAN GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
  

I can sort of see the appeal of these films. Though the first one didn't really do much for me.

Rating: 2 Tuna Sandwiches out of 5.

2 Fast 2 Furious

• 1:40 - Is this 2 Fast 2 Furious or The Flash? I wasn't sure with all those red streaks.
  
• 2:20 - This movie puts the feminism movement back about 20 steps.
  
• 12:20 - Every time they press the button for the NO2 it looks like they are driving on Rainbow Road. We all know Mario was the original street racer.
  
• 15:35 - I swear the cops were driving better cars in the first film.
  
• 22:40 - Brian has a habit of repeating everything twice. He's like Jacob Two Two. "You still fight like shit. You still fight like shit." "Maybe you don't. Maybe you don't."
  
• 38:40 - YOU HEAR THAT CARTER?! HE'S HUNGRY.
  
• 40:00 - Roman telling Brian to stop thinking with his genitals and stop hitting on Monica. Which brings up a good point because what happened to Mia?
  
• 1:01:10 - Fast and Furious franchise really likes their torture techniques. Rat torture? For reals?
  
• 1:12:33 - Roman eats a lot of food. I'm going to pause this movie and go get a snack.
  
• 1:34:40 - Who needs a windshield anyways?
  
• 1:40:30 - It makes me uncomfortable seeing Paul Walker wearing t-shirts 5 times too big for him. Oh it's over now.
  

Yeah no.

Rating: 1.5 Banana Peels out of 5

And before you guys get all up in arms, I know that Tokyo Drift is the third film to be released, but I've decided to watch them all in the order that the story takes place in.

Fast & Furious

• 3:53 - Why would you stand on top of a moving vehicle? You're just asking to get thrown off. For future reference, the three points of contact rule for ladders also applies when you're trying to rob a moving truck.
  
• 6:47 - It just hit me that the truck driver completely abandoned ship. With his iguana.
  
• 11:25 - I can't even handle introspective Dom right now.
  
• 11:57 - This seems to be the film where Brian finally learns the power of a good fitting suit and a haircut. I can dig it. Do people still say that? If not, I'm bringing it back.
  
• 29:11 - Did Paul Walker's voice get deeper in this movie or is it just me? Maybe it's the suit.
  
• 45:51 - Dwight didn't do nothing! Dwight's never touched that shit! Dwight is a punk.
  
• 1:02:40 - "You looked under my hood?!?!?" is to street racing, as "You took the last pizza slice?" is to my life.
  
• 1:10:16 - I had a phone just like Letty's back in the day!
  
• 1:11:34 - Wow, I totally missed the point of that plot line with my phone comment. I'm sorry.
  
• 1:19:01 - Amidst all the shooting, I keep wondering if this movie passes the Bechdel test. Do any of these movies pass the Bechdel test?
  
• 1:31:52 - "How was your day?" "Oh it was good. Nothing really eventful. Just drove through some walls and underground tunnels. Super boring stuff."
  
• 1:35:55 - "Oh yeah. And I drove my car right into this dude and he died."
  
• 1:39:25 - I hope the next movie is faster and furiouser.
  

This one had more action and more plot, but was just as mediocre as the first one. How is that even possible?

Rating: 2 Iguana's mocking you out of 5.

Fast Five

• 0:45 - I see we're starting off with a "previously on…" Ha. Ha. *fast forward*
  
• 2:05 - IS THAT PERD HAPLEY FROM PARKS AND RECREATION? It is. I just did a Google search. "Ya Heard? With Perd!" at the scene of this epic daylight breakout. This the most exciting thing I've seen in this franchise so far.
  
• 6:25 - OUUUU she got a secret
  
• 21:01 - Did he just say funderwear?
  
• 35:30 - Whomp there it is.
  
• 41:03 - This whole "let's put together the best team we can" montage is giving me major Pitt/Clooney Ocean's Eleven vibes right now.
  
• 1:01::04 - Gross. They blew up the toilets and now there's fecal matter everywhere. I'm about to lose my lunch.
  
• 1:20:27 - Betting money they don't have. I'm pretty sure that is the literal definition of "you need help."
  
• 1:29:38 - Vin Diesel/ The Rock fighting is like two boulders trying to turn each other into pebbles.
  
• 1:43:16 - I never understood why people INSIST on standing near the windows when they see a giant vault being dragged and flung around on the highway. Like, girl, you in the danger zone. For reals.
  
• 1:55:39 - Get that ca$h monie$
  

YES. THIS I LIKE. This is the first film where they started taking the heists more seriously and fleshing out the details a bit more. And I am glad to say that this movie was in fact, faster and furiouser than #4.

Rating: 4 pairs of funderwear out of 5.

Fast & Furious 6

• 5:59 - "Is that legal?" Dude, if you have to ask, it probably isn't.
  
• 23:48 - I think every movie should be legally required to include a Luke Evans driving scene.
  
• 33:07 - Villains are so much more villainy with a British accent. #fact
  
• 43:10 - I miss Tej's afro from the second movie.
  
• 1:03:59 - Three against one is hardly fair. But that's okay because Brian doesn't take shit from anybody.
  
• 1:07:27 - Ha. Rita Ora has more screen time in this film than in Fifty Shades. Ha.
  
• 1:24:52 - The Rock's muscles are so big that he constantly walks around like this: / '.' \
  
• 1:27:20 - Every single time Dom is like "stick to the plan" and then the plan never sticks.
  
• 1:28:19 - Damn. They got a tank.
  
• 1:33:35 - Silly people. You can't out run a tank.
  
• 1:39:03 - AW HELLLLLL NO. HE MESSING WITH THE BABY MAMA??! That's not cool.
  
• 1:42:29 - If we're being completely honest, I'm not entirely sure what's going on in this movie (much like the other 4 I've already watched).
  
• 1:44:20 - That one dude looks like he ate 2 small children for breakfast and is STILL hungry.
  
• 1:45:48 - All I wanted was to watch some cars race and some how got sucked into the world of illegal crimes.
  
• 1:52:50 - OH SHIT THEY JUST THREW THE GUY THROUGH THE JET ENGINE.
  
• 1:54:50 - Is it not smarter to drive .. OH WAIT WTF A CAR JUST DROVE OUT OF THE BURNING PLANE. But to continue my previous thought, isn't it more efficient to drive the car so that you're not in the direct path of the burning plane? Shouldn't you turn the car? No? Okay then I'll shut up.
  
• 1:58:59 - Ludacris' spit take when The Rock says "you better hide that big ass forehead" almost made me do a spit take of my own.
  
• 2:00:15 - It's like battle of the neck rolls here. Or maybe battle of the bald heads.
  

They took down a tank and a plane. They've basically just given up on the street racing part and decided screw it, we're just going to blow shit up.

Rating: 3 tanks out of 5.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift

• 4:25 - Football jock is a giant jerk.
  
• 5:05 - GIRL YOU PUTTING YOURSELF ON THE LINE?! MAN THE FEMINISM MOVEMENT IS CRYING RIGHT NOW.
  
• 5:42 - AND THE OTHER GIRL JUST WASTED A PERFECTLY GOOD BRA.
  
• 8:50 - So not only is Clay a giant jerk, he's also got the brain of a peanut. And I don't mean the size of a peanut. I mean an actual peanut. In other words, he has none.
  
• 10:01 - I blame the girl for this entire fiasco.
  
• 10:45 - This guy is supposed to be 18? He looks at least 35.
  
• 17:04 - I feel the sudden need to keep throwing up peace signs.
  
• 18:59 - Keep teaching me how to spell barracuda.
  
• 25:17 - Man, a girl is the reason why you're in Tokyo and now it's going to be the reason you're going to leave Tokyo.
  
• 30:52 - I take it all back. I'd rather watch them pull off a heist than watch this guy attempt to drive. The drifting is pretty cool when done correctly though.
  
• 49:59 - I didn't know the Dragon Ball Z look was so popular in 2006 .
  
• 55:51 - How often does one have to change wheels from all that drifting?
  
• 57:58 - That was some the most dramatic crying I've ever seen.
  
• 1:13:19 - Takashi has 0 chill.
  
• 1:32:44 - So in the middle of all this racing, I just need to say I really don't like Sean.
  
• 1:36:46 - FAMILY :'(
  

I don't like these new people. But I quite enjoy the drifting. But I found the first Justin Lin directed film to be, for a lack of a better word, annoying.

Rating: 2.5 drifts out of 5.

And finally, we've made it to the most recent film. Since I didn't have the luxury of a pause button and time stamps, I will just list out my thoughts in order as they occurred.

Furious 7

• Ew Shaw is back.
  
• Remember how I said there were a lot of bald heads before? Well we can add one more to the list.
  
• Is that Iggy? That's totally Iggy. And even SHE has more screen than that Rita Ora did in Fifty Shades.
  
• It's so cute to see Brian all domestic and driving a minivan. Also hilarious.
  
• Not related to the film, but this one girl in front of me keeps taking out her phone to take pictures of Paul Walker. And now she's posting it to Instagram. WHY? GET OUT. (I kicked her chair).
  
• Hobbs has the world's loudest stamp ever. It's a stamp on steroids.
  
• Completely didn't recognize Elena. The short hair looks good on her.
  
• Ew Sean is back.
  
• Is it actually possible to drop cars out of a plane and have them land safely? Mythbusters, I'm looking at you.
  
• I find sick satisfaction when things blow up in movies.
  
• How is this bus driver still driving the bus? Everyone on the bus is already dead. Just pull over and call it a day.
  
• Technical difficulties at the theatre. Now people are making crude shadow puppets to pass time as they fix it. I hope I get a courtesy ticket out of this.
  
• "Cars don't fly. Cars don't fly." Looks like Brian Two Two is back.
  
• You could have shot his brains out with that shotgun, but instead you choose to fight him old school? Why? I thought you wanted him dead! Shotgun would have saved you so much time!
  
• That being said, I appreciate the fight choreography in this film. Much better than the previous 6 films.
  
• "Did you bring the calvary?" "I am the calvary."
  
• Oh gosh. I am 100% tearing up right now.
  

A very fitting tribute to the late Paul Walker. Perfect way to say goodbye to such a critical character.

Rating: 3.5 flying cars out of 5.