10 Incredible, True Facts About David Wain, According To David Wain

The actor-writer-director, who returns to Children’s Hospital as Jewy McJew Jew for the season five finale on Thursday, reveals to BuzzFeed many of his deepest, darkest secrets.

1. I Don’t Drink

Mike Lawrie / Getty Images

I gave it up cold turkey many years ago and haven’t looked back. Now it’s nothing more than the occasional glass of wine on a weekend. Maybe a beer or two with a friend during the week. A few martinis at home each night and/or in the mornings.

2. Bradley Cooper Being Handsome Was My Idea

When I met him, he was ugly, short, fat and reeked like a rotting pumpkin. I told him he could be in Wet Hot American Summer if he upped his game, looks (and smell)-wise. The rest is history. Although he’s still a little stinky.

3. I Design Bridesmaids Dresses

Mark Davis / WireImage

My spring collection is all about clean lines, muted gothic colors, angular flow, and a ‘go for it’ aesthetic that says, essentially, ‘go for it.’ I’m really having fun with little flashes of fun: stripes, satin fringes, and tiny pink swastikas.

4. “Football Field” Is The Only Unit Of Measurement I Use

I split my time between New York and L.A. so it’s hard being 52,800 football fields away from my family. Luckily I can video chat with them - I have an iPad with a 1/370th football field size screen.

5. I’m Finally Ready to Hear Pitches From Cologne Companies

Jason Merritt / Getty

Every day I get a call from a different cosmetics exec asking if I’d be willing to develop a signature scent. It never felt like the right move for me. But now that I’ve got a couple of Emmys on the shelf, I’ve decided to entertain offers, but only if the right elements are in place (black shiny bottle, my signature in gold, ingredients must include chocolate mousse).

6. I Make A Killer Omelet

My secret? Eggs. I use them in almost every omelet, usually two or three of them. Two is better for smaller omelets. I go for three when I want one that’s a bit bigger. Ultimately the size of the omelet tends to increase when you use a larger number of eggs. I’ve also found the opposite to be equally true.

7. I’m Married to My Wife

Donato Sardella / WireImage

“You know how some people are married to their work? I have that same thing but it’s a woman - Zandy Hartig (the actress who plays Nurse Dori on Childrens Hospital) is for all intents and purposes my wife. We’re together all the time, we have two kids, we exchanged rings at our wedding. I mean we may as well be (and are) married. It’s one of those weird things that only happens in New York.”

8. I Forgot What 8 Is For

Joe Corrigan / Getty Images

9. I Type With My Hands Crossed

It’s actually much faster after you retrain your hands, which took me about six years. Also I’ve heard it’s good for your digestion.

10. I Can’t Name More Than One Great Lake

Well there’s Lake Erie — that’s easy because I grew up in Cleveland, right on the shore. Hmm. Salt Lake? No that’s wrong? Panama Canal? Froggy Hotel?

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