5 Things To Never Say To Someone Dealing With Infertility

If you have a friend or family member dealing with fertility issues, here’s a handy list of things you should never, ever say to them.

When people see their friends struggling with infertility or going through IVF procedures, it's natural for them to want to offer a few comforting words. But, they often do more harm than good. So, before you reach out, here are some phrases to avoid:

“You guys just need to relax.”

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Yeah, well I’d like to fly without the aid of a jetpack, but that ain’t happening either. This is the most stressful time in our lives—full of invasive procedures, injections, and often miscarriages. (Yes, plural, as in “more than one.”) So, telling us to “just relax” actually makes it worse.

“You guys just need to go on a vacation.”

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All of our money goes to IVF-related meds, tests, and appointments. Plus, if we do schedule a vacation, it’ll undoubtedly fall apart when we learn we have to go in for a specifically timed procedure. Besides, while psychology is a factor, our problem is medical. And you wouldn’t tell a person with cancer that they just need to go on vacation. Don’t be an idiot.

“You guys need to get drunk and screw.”

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No, we don’t. Because after years of screwing led to no pregnancy, we discovered we have a serious medical issue. And while alcohol solves a lot of problems, this ain’t one of them.

“My sister had trouble getting pregnant, now she has two beautiful kids.”

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So what? Am I your damned sister? I don’t think so. And offering success stories just fuels the depression we’re already feeling. Seriously, stop helping. No, seriously.

“Have you thought about adopting?”

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Adoption is not a solution to infertility. It is a solution to wanting to be a parent. While one does affect the other, they are not the same.

How can you help? Be there if we need you, listen if we need to talk, and understand that you can't fix this issue. Thanks.

(Portions of this originally appeared on TheDaddyComplex.com. Author David Vienna and his wife struggled with infertility for nearly a decade.)