1. Clothing (unless you specifically asked for it)
It’s always great to open a present and get an XXXL shirt when you’re a size 0. Or what looks like a toddler size when you’re 6’3”. Then there’s the fuchsia and lime green legwarmers from your cousin or your grandma’s idea of what’s “appropriate” for someone your age. And what about the traditional Christmas staples like sweaters or socks? The sweaters are usually ugly and socks aren’t exactly exciting. The point is that other people rarely share your taste in clothing and what they pick is almost never something you’d wear. So please, for the love of flannel, don’t buy clothing for someone unless you have their specific wish list in hand or want to get that ugly monstrosity regifted to you next year.
2. Anal Bleach
Nothing says “I love you” quite like the suggestion that maybe you should brighten up your brown eye a little. Actually, nothing says “I love you” quite like being asked to apply harsh chemicals like hydroquinone to a delicate area. While an anal bleaching treatment may be one of the hottest new beauty trends, it can also leave a burning feeling on your behind. Not to mention, she may leave you for someone who doesn’t care about her brown eye because he’s too busy looking at her hazel eyes. That might sting some too.
3. Penis Pills
Girls aren’t the only ones to get subtle hints about how to spice things up. Could you imagine being the guy who got this in his stocking? A not so subtle hint that you’re not as well-endowed as her ex/secret lover/that guy she’s lusting after at the grocery store. Male enhancement pills may help to enlarge his anatomy, but they’ll certain shrink his pride.
4. eBay Gift Card
After selling most of your stuff on eBay to pay for everyone else’s gifts, it’s almost insulting that you got a gift card to eBay. While they have their shiny new presents to enjoy, you get to scour eBay to buy back replacements of your stuff you just sold… at a higher price. And let’s not forget that it costs $5 to activate the card. That’s $5 more you could have had towards getting something you could actually use for the holidays, like a bottle of alcohol or that thing you wanted that no one bought you because they got you this useless gift card instead.
5. Diet Pills
“Merry Christmas! Now put down the cookies.” Is that really what you want to tell someone? Even if it is, it’s probably a bad idea. Implying that someone needs diet pills or a gym membership or the phone number for Jenny Craig will get you uninvited from holiday parties. And who will buy you good presents if you don’t have any friends? I mean… think about how awful it would be if someone were to tell you that you really packed on the pounds this holiday season. Although that might explain the XXXL shirt.