27 Things You Should Never Do In London

Eyes down, keep walking. An indispensable travel guide.

1. Stand to the left on an escalator.

Everyone else is doing it for a reason. That reason is not “for giggles”.

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2. Make eye contact.

Warner Bros. / Via iwdrm.tumblr.com

You may look at your phone or the floor. Whatever you do, don’t look up.

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3. Smile.

Smiling is for simpletons and psychopaths.

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4. Tell people to smile.

Sony Pictures Home Entertainment / Via imgur.com

Because no.

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5. Start a conversation.

Paramount Pictures / Via giphy.com

This is not a networking opportunity. This is a get out of the way opportunity.

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6. Take pictures of people.

MGM / New Line Cinema / Via i.imgur.com

Stick this in your slideshow.

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7. Ask people to take a picture of you.

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8. Ask for directions.

MGM / Via replygif.net

We do know. We just don’t have time for this.

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9. Eat in public.

Girls HBO / Via girlshbo.tumblr.com
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10. Eat on public transport.

Paramount Pictures / Via wordpress.com

Also not cool: Publicly shaming women who eat on public transport.

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11. Be unnecessarily loud in public.

Disney / Via tumblr.com

Never do anything that draws attention to yourself. Ever.

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12. Have a phone conversation on public transport.

Trigger Happy TV / Absolutely Productions

Your ringtone should either be a polite cough or nothing.

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13. Engage in public displays of affection.

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Treat everyone with polite disdain. Even significant others.

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14. Be a tourist.

Warner Bros. / Via Friends / NBC

“London, baby!” = Not a thing.

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15. Be from London.

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16. Mimic a Cockney accent.

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Mimicry is the highest form of fuck off.

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17. Read a broadsheet newspaper on the Tube.

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18. Read the newspaper over someone’s shoulder.

Warner Bros. / Via i.imgur.com
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19. Ask where the Queen lives.

BBC / Via tumblr.com

And no, we’ve never met her.

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20. Insult the Queen.

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21. Play your music so loud everyone can hear.

You have headphones in. We shouldn’t be able to hear every sodding beat.

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22. Put your bag on the seat next to you.

HBO / Via i.minus.com

Bags: Not people since forever.

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23. Wear your backpack on the Tube.

The train is packed. Everyone hates you.

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24. Drag a wheeled suitcase behind you.

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Seriously. Seriously. Carry your damn bag.

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25. Walk too slowly.

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Or too quickly. Or, just. Stay off the pavement, OK?

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26. Stop in the middle of the pavement.

Warner Home Video / Via giphy.com

Don’t ever stop moving. Ever.

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27. Insult London.

This is our city. You keep your mouth shut.

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