1. Stand to the left on an escalator.
Everyone else is doing it for a reason. That reason is not “for giggles”.
2. Make eye contact.
You may look at your phone or the floor. Whatever you do, don’t look up.
Smiling is for simpletons and psychopaths.
4. Tell people to smile.
5. Start a conversation.
This is not a networking opportunity. This is a get out of the way opportunity.
6. Take pictures of people.
Stick this in your slideshow.
8. Ask for directions.
We do know. We just don’t have time for this.
10. Eat on public transport.
Also not cool: Publicly shaming women who eat on public transport.
11. Be unnecessarily loud in public.
Never do anything that draws attention to yourself. Ever.
12. Have a phone conversation on public transport.
Your ringtone should either be a polite cough or nothing.
13. Engage in public displays of affection.
Treat everyone with polite disdain. Even significant others.
14. Be a tourist.
“London, baby!” = Not a thing.
16. Mimic a Cockney accent.
Mimicry is the highest form of fuck off.
21. Play your music so loud everyone can hear.
You have headphones in. We shouldn’t be able to hear every sodding beat.
22. Put your bag on the seat next to you.
Bags: Not people since forever.
23. Wear your backpack on the Tube.
The train is packed. Everyone hates you.
24. Drag a wheeled suitcase behind you.
Seriously. Seriously. Carry your damn bag.
25. Walk too slowly.
Or too quickly. Or, just. Stay off the pavement, OK?
26. Stop in the middle of the pavement.
Don’t ever stop moving. Ever.