This Is Why Sportsball Is Your New Favourite Sport

Kickytime! Föktrumpets! Whistlebastards!

1. Sportsball is a game for 1-15 players.

Fox Sports

Back of the net!

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2. The aim of sportsball is to score more goaldowns than the other team.

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3. While not letting them get more scoreytouches than you.

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4. This is Sportsball!

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5. Das ist Freizeitball!

That’s what the German’s call Sportsball, made-up-fact fans!

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6. Players, known as Sportsnauts, can be motivated solely by ‘palmswats’ to the gluteal zone.


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7. Sportsnauts greet each other like this.

Sky Sports


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8. And wear their own names on their jerseys to make it easier for friends to find them.


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9. Games are known as “kickytime” and last from Friday night to Monday night.

Fox Sports
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10. Kickytime can be cut short if a someone scores a “jesusshittingchrist”.

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It has only happened once. This was that time.

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11. The coaching staff is entirely female, and communicate orders via semaphore.

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12. Their tiny outfits improve airflow and encourage applause, or “schwanzstiffen”, among men in the crowd.

Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Sportsball. What a game.

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13. Sportsnauts are also competing to see who can cheat, or purposefail, with the most style.

Sky Sports


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14. Purposefailing is actively encouraged as long as it is done with skill, flair, and commitment.

Via Sky Sports

Fun fact: Sportsnauts have sensitive lugholes.

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15. A popular meme among purposefailers is “platooning”.

Kanal Sports
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Channel 5

Just like Willem Dafoe!

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16. The current world champion of purposefailing is this guy.

Claudio Villa / Getty Images

Nigerian goalkeeper Austin Ejide.

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17. His purposefail was so good it was only spotted by tv cameras after the game.

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18. When the crowd think their team are doing well, they salute them with “truffleshuffles”.

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19. And “turkeywaves”.

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20. In foreign countries, they blow on föktrumpets.

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21. And throw paper airplanes.

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22. The game is controlled by referees, known as whistlebastards.

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23. Whistlebastards are not well liked.

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24. Boring games can be livened up by a runaway vehicle.

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25. Or packs of wild dogs.

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26. Children are trained to excel in Sportsball from an early age.

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27. But not everyone is cut out for Sportsball.

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28. Unfortunately some people only realise that as adults.

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29. By now you should have the rules down…

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30. So get excited!

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So bouncy.

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31. You are now a Sportsball master.


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32. High five!



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33. Um…

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Dan Dalton is a staff writer for BuzzFeed and is based in London.
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