10 Things That Mystify Us About American Football
By Lachlan Barker. The ball is snapped, everyone crashes into each other, then the players argue with the ref. Then they carry off the injured players and replace them with one of the four thousand substitutes. Then we have ten minutes of commercials for beer, gas-guzzling cars and jock itch powders, then we do it all again.
Those aren't spectators in the background, they're substitutes waiting to come on.
I was watching Modern Family the other night, it was the episode where Jay and Gloria go down to a bar to watch a soccer match between Colombia and Holland.
At one point, Gloria gets into a slanging match with a Dutch supporter, and Jay, her husband has to come over and cool things off.
He says, to the Dutch supporter, "Why don't we go over and watch the game from our table and I'll send over a pitcher of beer. And anyway I don't understand why you're all getting so heated, I prefer [American] football, a game where something happens".
Well I find that rich beyond belief, and here's why.
When I lived in north America, and would let slip that I liked cricket, the north American I was speaking with would immediately deride the game.
"How the f$%k can you watch a game that lasts for five days, and even then is usually a draw?", they would say.
Well I must admit, it is hard to explain the appeal of cricket.
It is generally a male thing, but I think (as I've written elsewhere) that the main appeal of cricket in Australia is that it allows men to drink from ten in the morning on a Saturday.
If someone sees you on the couch at ten am, drinking, then they will call you an alcoholic (Believe me I know).
But if you are doing the same activity, but the cricket is on, then you can say, "I'm having a few beers while watching the cricket."
Which, the drinker feels, puts a different complexion on the whole deal.
Anyway, the reason I feel that this is pretty bloody rich is that American Football surely fills the same category as an activity that lasts for-bloody-ever and is a mystery to anyone who hasn't grown up with the game.
So here is the list of things that I say are just plain wrong with American Football.
1. Ads.
An American Football match lasts officially one hour.
Hard to believe but it's a fact.
The broadcast of the game however lasts three hours.
Only American sports - baseball, ice hockey, basketball and football have more ads than game.
2. Number of players.
How many players are there on a football team?
Answer: 11.
Hard to believe but that is also a fact.
However 45 players suit up for the game.
If you look back at the picture you will note some thousands of people in the background, sitting in the stands.
These aren't spectators, they are substitutes waiting to come on.
3. Padding and Helmets.
Here in Australia we play our football codes without any padding and still put in hits that register on the earthquake detectors in Hawaii.
Leaving us to suppose that American Football players are a load of pansies.
4. Arcane commentary.
All sports are hard to understand of you don't know what's going on, but football has it's own confusions.
4a: "Shotgun delivery from the quarterback, that'll help speed the play."
Eh?
4b: "The wide receiver is narrow for this set up".
Eh?
4c: "Sacked for a safety."
Seems rather harsh to fire the guy for being concerned about safety.
5. Stoppages.
While our football codes flow from the first whistle to the last, American Football stops every five seconds so the players can get in a huddle and ask, "Does anyone know what's going on out here?"
No one seems to, and so they do the same thing again next play.
6. Cheerleaders.
Some teams' cheerleaders, the Dallas Cowboys most famously, are better known than the team.
Now that I think about it, they would probably play the game better an' all.
Which lead to:
7. The Lingerie Football League.
This is a women's football code in which the players play in lingerie.
It nearly out-rates the men's code and has teams called the San Diego Seduction and the Florida Fantasy.
8. The Grand Final - The Superbowl.
Here is what's wrong with this game writ even larger.
The broadcast lasts all day, which to be fair the Australian grand finals do as well, but if you want to commit a crime in America, do it during the Superbowl and there will be no one around to stop you.
Unless of course are trying to steal the television set, in which case the homeowner may say, "can you at least wait till the Superbowl is over, and steal it then?"
Alternatively the burglar may agree to not steal anything from you, sit down and watch the game, then go over and break in to your neighbor's house.
9. Positions.
Nose tackle - seems rather specific, what happens if the guy can't get hold of the running back's nose? Does he just have to let him go and say his sniffer was just too small?
End - This is accurate, it denotes the player who stands at the end of the scrimmage line.
Teams try to pick someone handsome for this position as his is the face the most commonly appears in the news photos.
Quarterback - Seems that some teams have trouble getting a full-sized man to play this position and so pick a midget.
Wide Receiver - refers to the place they stand on the field, not the width of their ass.
Block tackler - Anyone who gets really loose is tackled by this player before they have run a full city block.
10. Injuries.
The most common career ending injury in American Football is knees.
Yet this seems to be the one area of the body that is not packed solid like the Michelin man with padding.
This seems to highlight the essential we-didn't-really-think-things-through nature of football.
Even the player's wedding tackle has more protection than the knee, the famous cup, called a box or a protector here in Australia.
Now that I think about it, it's probable that some number of players had their careers ended by injuries to the groin area, but it just doesn't sound good on the news to say he stopped playing because of crushed nuts.
So there you have it sports fans, ten things wrong with football.
Fix this up and the rest of the world may take an interest.
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