Without periods, there would be no human race. After all, the only reason they happen is so that the world can reproduce. This makes periods sound rather noble – but don't be deceived; they're not. They're actually the bane and dread of every womb-bearer of a child-bearing age.
When you're in school, there's maybe half a page of a science textbook dedicated to menstruation. You're told it happens, and you're given a sterile list of bodily processes and effects. However, what isn't detailed is the true monthly struggle against bleeding out of your vajayjay for the best part of a week.
Because of this lack of information, it's come to light that there are a series of misunderstandings around menstruation; and while I hate to generalise, these misunderstandings usually come from the penis-bearing part of the population. This post's been inspired by a series of questions about periods from an [unnamed] male I know – who's first question was 'so do you like, pee the blood out then?' (No, no we don't, unnamed male. We don't store it up and let it flow when we go to the toilet.) But it's OK, unnamed male – I know it's not your fault that you don't know any better. We've been shy in talking about menstruation before, but don't worry – I'm here to change all that.
While trying to approach this with a bit of humour (almost wrote 'houmous' then – now there's an idea), I've also tried to be at least a little informative. Now don't get me wrong, this probably won't be anything like a Wikipedia page – but there will be gory details. There won't, however, be any pictures (you're welcome).
So, here we go: some frank period talking that confronts the misconceptions and myths about that time of the month. Enjoy! And try not to be too scarred for life.
We can't control it
OK, here goes – the aforementioned gory details. For anything between 3-7 days, every month a woman will uncontrollably bleed from her vagina. Some of these days, she will bleed a little bit. Other days, she will bleed a lot.
Common symptoms while this bleeding is happening include severe cramping, back pain, tender boobs, an increased temperature, headaches, sickness, tiredness, dizziness… I could go on, but these are the most common. No one woman experiences the same kind of period, but these tend to be the trending ailments. Personally, I spend five days a month up to half a stone heavier, half a degree hotter than usual, with my uterus feeling like Captain America's punchbag. I want to eat the world, but feel queasy with pain – and I want to have sex, even though it'd be messier than letting a class of five year olds decorate cupcakes unsupervised. It's a terrible place of mentally craving things your body doesn't want you to have, plus actual physical pain. It's torture.
Anyway, back to the facts. Like I said before, we can't release the blood when we want. It literally drips out of us constantly across the course of the period – which is why we have to use all the stuff from the 'Women's Health' aisle. It also doesn't always come out in liquid form; after all, it was our womb lining for a limited amount of time – so it can come out in gloopy blobs and globs too. It isn't like normal blood; it can be light-coloured, dark-coloured, thick, runny, or smell funny. Put bluntly: it's a replaceable part of our reproductive organ caving in and leaking out of a hole.
Volumes
Not everyone loses the same amount of blood, but the average amount of loss per period is around 80-100ml – which equates to around 2 shotglasses full. It doesn't sound like a lot, but remember; women menstruate for around 40 years of their lives – so when you do the maths, that's around 40-50 litres of blood we'll lose in a lifetime. That's equivalent to the blood of 10-12 average sized humans. In essence, I will period out a football team's worth of blood. Sort of grim, but kind of impressive, right?
Period paraphernalia isn't joyous
As soon as we're of age, we're told to wear nappies and stuff our orifices full of compacted cotton wool, all due to an uncontrollable biological predetermination. And, as you can imagine, it is the opposite of delightful. Despite terribly dishonest marketing campaigns, a Tampax Pearl doesn't make you feel like you can do anything in the world. And Always? There is no such thing as a happy period – so fuck off.
Exercise may help – but suggesting it is unhelpful
I don't care about the science – the phrase 'I hear exercise is supposed to help' is deeply unhelpful. I have my insides flowing out of me – why on earth would I want to go and get on a cross trainer during that ordeal? The only way I want to menstruate is in bed with several packets of biscuits, a gang of puppies and a fast connection to Netflix. A minor alleviation of period pain through the release of endorphins is embarrassingly outweighed by the pros of not exercising.
PMS isn't really a thing
Only 2-8% of women are anticipated to suffer from the genuine hormonal disorder of PMS. So, chances are, the woman who's annoyed at you has a valid reason to be annoyed at you. Blaming it on a stereotypical misconception about her cycle will not make it better – just worse.
However, a lot of us do feel a little more sensitive during this period – but then again, who wouldn't? Bloating half a stone, wearing a nappy for a week, and having Mother Nature squeeze your innards like a stress ball would make even the cheeriest of people a bit tetchy. So please, go easy on us.
You can't catch periods
You literally can't. It's impossible. So while we try to keep everything as clean as possible, our uncontrollable bleeding may find a way on to pyjamas, bed sheets, our favourite pair of pants (is there any worse a sorrow?) or toilet bowls. Please, just deal with it like an adult. No ewwing or cries of 'that's disgusting' please, it's just blood. And blood is a lot more hygienic than urine – so just be grateful we're not weeing the bed. Or peeing on the toilet seat…
Periods don't make us feel sexy
If you have a penis, imagine uncontrollably bleeding from it for five days. Imagine having to wear a nappy, or having to stuff expanding cotton wool up your organ to stem the flow. Imagine you're suffering from all of the symptoms above – the bloating, the cramps, the nausea, the sweating. Then ask yourself: do you feel sexy? If the answer's no, then please bear this in mind when considering initiating coitus with a menstruating human being.
P. S. Handy tip: asking for anything which is 'doable', but where the pleasure is totally one-sided is both selfish and a kick in the face. Approach this with more caution than the above. Because personally speaking, if you tried to put your genitals in front of me for servicing, I'd bite them off.
So, there you have it! Some stuff about periods you may not have known before. In summary, try to think of it this way; any other injury that caused these many adverse side-effects and bled continuously for five days, and they'd rush you into hospital. However, us womb-bearing folk just live right through it – we go to work, we go out, we live our lives as usual with minimal fuss. That's right – we're fucking troopers. Heroic, bleeding troopers.
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