1. You wouldn't be this awkward about sex if you actually worked in the porn industry
2. You wouldn't do this...
3. You wouldn't bump into EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER KNOWN at the airport
4. You would ignore your phone if he was on top of you
5. You would not go from this....
...to this in the space of two weeks
6. You would not fall in love with someone who you CANNOT UNDERSTAND
7. If you fancied Claudia Schiffer, you'd know it was Claudia Schiffer who you were DATING
7. You wouldn't be THIS ANNOYING
8. You wouldn't be THIS RANK
9. No one would offer you a threesome for saying 'straw'
10. You would not be with someone who kissed like that
11. You know you'd be shot on sight if you EVER tried this
12. You'd appreciate the hilarity of Mr Bean's gift wrapping instead of getting angered by the situation