1. Speed hating
When you instinctively hate someone from a cursory glace. The colder the eyes, the golder the prize.
2. Synchronized selfies
All submissions must be strictly #NoFilter.
4. Netflix half marathon
A thirteen hour event with disciplines in Scandal, House of Cards, and Doctor Who.
Common sponsors include Adele, your period, and the first ten minutes of Up.
In a plot twist, you only compete with team USA members.
Where you must eat an entire large single topping pizza in 30 minutes or less.
8. And while we’re on the subject of pizza… pie-kwon-dough
The Korean matrial art that tests determination, agility, and stomach elasticity.
9. Speed stalking
Where an attractive stranger is introduced and the first one to find out the name of his favorite movie, ex-girlfriend, and first grade teacher wins.
10. Filter skating
Athletes compete to transform a picture of Vladimir Putin into a hipster masterpiece of filtered art.
11. Pro Crastination
Which won’t actually be taking place until the next Olympics.
12. Luge lounging
Lying still on a couch while navigating the plot twists and turns of Law and Order: SVU.
13. Drunk diving
Involuntarily climbing up on and eventually falling off of raised surfaces while intoxicated.
14. Job sledding
Beginning work atop a mountain of high hopes before quickly spiraling down a mountain of procrastination.
15. BMX: which, of course, stands for Britney, Madonna, X-tina
Contestants channel their inner diva and let the baddest bitch win.