1. Don’t steal someone else’s identity. No matter how much they look like you.
There is a chance that person’s life could be filled with conspiracy theories, clones, religious zealots and maybe some extra cash.
2. Don’t ever sneak up on a soccer mom right after she cut up some oranges.
Just because she is a soccer mom and looks like you doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll be accommodating.
3. Don’t be a dick.
You may find yourself in a lot of uncompromising situations - like being threatened with a nail gun.
4. Hot Glue Guns are a valuable torture device.
The threat of dripping hot glue on someone is surprisingly effective when you need to get your point across.
5. Wearing a smock, and nothing else, brings out inner creativity.
It also makes cleaning up much easier.
6. Exercise your Second Amendment right.
Or let your guardian or parent do it for you.
7. Make sure your hair is always on point.
If your hair is considerably fluffy then you may attract science geeks. Killer grades and a French accent also help.
8. Never wear a scarf while using the garbage disposal.
Before you shove that felt angel (that you got as a gift from your former BFF) down the garbage disposal make sure you remove any excess clothing.
9. Do steal a couple bottles of wine for you and your crush.
Jogging away, so as not to get caught, is just as effective as running away.
10. It’s OK to say “eff it” every once in awhile.
Especially after hot gluing your husband, sleeping with your neighbor, and then fighting with your BFF.
11. Always look good when throwing shade.
Throwing shade is only effective when you’re wearing your best Kimono Robe.
12. Sharing is caring.
Share feelings or pills (but not really) with your new best friend.
13. It’s OK to talk to yourself.
Being your own best friend isn’t really a bad thing - you won’t have to worry about anyone stopping you from drinking your third glass of wine.
14. Dress your best if you’re ever involved with an evil Scientist.
Sparkly dresses, fabulous heels, flawless hair and fierce red lipstick help ease the pain of doing someone else’s dirty work.
- President Obama apologized to Doctors Without Borders for the airstrike that killed 22 people at a clinic in Afghanistan. ›
- The U.S. Coast Guard said it will suspend the search for the crew of El Faro, the cargo ship that went missing in the Caribbean during Hurricane Joaquin last week. ›
- Tomas Lindahl, Paul Modrich, and Aziz Sancar won the Nobel Prize in chemistry for figuring out how cells repair DNA. ›