5 Hidden Meanings Of Online Job Posting Terms

Understand What You Potential Boss Is Saying No Matter Which Side Of Their Mouth It Comes Out Of

Every job, no matter how high paying or prestigious, makes you grab your ankles every so often. Bosses know that employees are not equipped to live off the grid (If you are reading this on your phone or laptop-neither are you) and need this job, so they make them pay the full ransom for that paycheck. Employers are so eager to start shoveling bullshit on you they can't wait until you actually begin working to do it. Online job ads on Craigslist and Monster.com are loaded with hidden sewage disguised as positive messages that try to trick you into thinking that THIS job is different. As the recipient of over a dozen "He Is No Longer With The Company" awards, I believe I am qualified to crack the code on what some of these shiny buzzwords really mean if you see them in an employment ad.

Passion Nothing says "The guy that runs this place is a micro-managing douche bag" more than dropping the passion bomb in a job ad. You need passion to be a senator or an artist, not to make sandwiches-just be able and willing to wash your hands! If you take a job like this be prepared to be stretched out like the elastic on a crackhead's last pair of underwear. Why? Because your new boss is so blinded by "passion" and developing new ways to cave in your dignity that he doesn't notice his wife is sleeping with the guy from the tile store.

Core Values- You are going to be re-programmed. If that doesn't work, you will be yelled at in German. This company has codes, standards, scripts and a handbook that no one has ever read all the way though because it comes in 3 ring binder allowing them to continually add pages. Anyone that thinks independently is rewarded by being tossed in a sack and sent to a South American chalk farm.

Flexible Schedule- When an employer is placing a priority on being flexible they mean don't ever make plans-EVER. The work schedule will be a more closely guarded secret than the end of an M. Night Shyamalan movie. You will have no idea when you will be working other than the days you really need to have off. When they say flexible they mean you are going to get put in more compromising positions than a hooker at Charlie Sheen's Super Bowl party.

Smiling Faces- When someplace is hiring "smiling faces" you can guarantee that this company is a sewage filled foxhole where no one is happy and the place is too cheap to buy clown makeup. Be prepared for needless drama, backstabbing and hours of excruciating boredom. It's like being at the Tony Awards without the gift bag. They want everyone to smile so it doesn't look like they are laughing at you when you ask why the company ironically refuses to provide dental insurance.

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Rockstar- Idiots that get swept up in jargon from Anthony Robbins overrun the company that posted this ad. Rockstars don't work for a living therefore they won't be reading your job ad dumbass. The only reason any rockstars are on Craigslist is to see who is selling their stolen equipment. Ads looking for "Rockstars" are everywhere so apply to EVERY job posting that mentions they want a "Rockstar" whether you are qualified or not, then show up for the interview an hour late and drunk to call their bluff. Make sure you arrive with a cast of unsavory characters and mention you require that all the brown M&M's be removed from the vending machines or you won't be on the conference call.

Finally, if you respond to an ad with misspelled words, just know in advance that your paycheck will NEVER be right.