Blobfish: I Am Better Than You, Sloth!

Sloths have a really great reputation because stupid celebrities like Kristen “Veronica Mars” Bell have become very public about their adoration for the animal that SUPPOSEDLY moves really slowly and laboriously. However, few people know about the OG slow-moving creature, the sloth of the ocean: me, the Blobfish. Eat your heart out KBell.

1. Wikipedia: “The flesh of the blobfish is primarily a gelatinous mass with a density slightly less than water; this allows the fish to float above the sea floor WITHOUT EXPANDING ENERGY ON SWIMMING.”

2. I’m way too slothy to swim and proud of it.

3. Smiling? Really, Sloth? It’s like you’re a dog or something. Do you want to start running now, too?

4. Wikipedia: “Its relative lack of muscle is not a disadvantage as it primarily swallows edible matter THAT FLOATS IN FRONT OF IT.”

I refuse to go out of my way to eat, because I have so many other important things on my list.

Baking scones are far too tedious and completely out of the question.

5. I’m too lazy to even finish my meal. I’m like, why not just keep it there and I won’t have to worry about dinner.

6. Look at these Sloths eating in such a hurry. YOU’RE FULL OF HYPOCRISIES, SLOTHS.

7. Us Blobfish don’t have friends. We just occasionally bumps into creatures of the same species. Friendships are WAY too mundane and tedious.

It’s like, who wants to do brunch? Mimosas, lounging and getting food brought to you?

Actually, I’d totally do brunch.

8. Look at Sloth actually playing and hugging that cat. Not slothy of him at all. Traitor.

The cat’s scowl is much more up my alley.

9. I will not give in to your active ways, Sloth. I will never pose. WHATEVER, WHATEVER I DO WHAT I WANT.

10. Look at Sloth hoola-hooping. YOU’RE GIVING SLOTHS A BAD NAME, SLOTH.

11. Us Blobfish choose to lazily sip beer. COME AT ME BRO.

Cuz I’m sure as hell not coming at you.

12. But Sloth takes shots. How active of him, getting all drunk and stumbling. FAIL SLOTH.

13. I starred as myself in “Men in Black 3” because I’m way too lazy to learn lines.

14. Sloth has a long list of starring roles on IMDb. It’s almost like you WANT a career. Such a fame whore.

15. Jesus H. Christ, Sloth. REALLY? Even “Star Wars” isn’t safe?

16. You know what, Sloth? YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US. Unless you happen to float by, then I really can’t do anything to make you go. But the sentiment stands.

17. It’s just like, how are you so freaking versatile.

18. No. No. No. NO. NOOOOO. This was my movie, my one time to shine and you take that from me too? FUCK YOU SLOTH.

19. I don’t like art - it’s too much work. That’s the irony of this piece. Don’t laugh, I’m not.

20. I am: the Most Interesting Creature in the World.

21. Me as a Ringo Starr. Playing the drums means you don’t have to stand or dance. Mainly you just sit.

22. I am fancy, lazy and brutally honest. Honesty is the easiest policy.

23. And there ain’t no party like a Blobfish party, because the Blobfish party never started.

24. Basically, I’m better than you, Sloth.

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