1. Lack of hustle is a punishable crime.
2. Exercise is key.
“I’M FEELING SKINNY TONY”
3. You can’t always judge a kid by his weight.
4. There’s a leader (aka “Godfather”) in every pack.
5. The opposite sex is totally attainable.
Camp Magnolia Girl #1: Why don’t those guys just lose weight?
Camp Magnolia Girl #2: Why don’t you show them how to throw up after meals like you did?
6. The Boddy System.
Just, the Boddy System.
7. Always be the best.
Hmmm, very fat I see.
8. Skinny white people are too obsessed with 70s music.
9. Set goals for yourself.
10. Hide your candy wisely.
11. Some people are just naturally fucking crazy.
12. There’s a (slight) difference between war and fat camp
13. Knowing a foreign language will come in handy one day.
14. The PerkiSystem can help turn you into a skinny weiner.
“Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is ‘value.’ Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer’s over, this camp’s gonna be filled with skinny winners!”
15. Two pounds doesn’t sound like a lot, but apparently it is.
16. Family can be a bitch.
17. Don’t mess with pissed off fat kids.
18. Punishment is a dish best served with honey.
“Bears looooove honey.”
19. There is no such thing as plane etiquette.
20. DON’T FALL FOR THE HERSHEY’S KISS.
21. “The Blob” is the coolest thing ever.
22. Twinkies don’t go with everything…
23. Check in with yourself every once in a while. Just to be nice.
24. Being fat is embarrassing to your parents.
25. Liposuction is totally an option.
26. Excitement can turn to disappointment…
27. Never forget to stretch before you exercise.
“Congratulations, you’ve just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity.”
28. Serenity (ommmm) is the Tony Perkins way of life.
“Did you ever hear the story of Icarus, who continually rolled the ball up the hill? But when he got too close, the ball melted in the heat of the Sun. You’re all like Icarus.”
29. Negativity can contaminate wells…
30. Peeing in and drinking water simultaneously is a no-no.
31. This is how the cool skinny people dance.
32. Technology is finicky.
33. Custodial services: someone’s gotta do it.
34. Be grateful.
That lesson about not judging people = LEARNED