2. Exercise is key.
“I’M FEELING SKINNY TONY”
3. You can’t always judge a kid by his weight.
5. The opposite sex is totally attainable.
Camp Magnolia Girl #1: Why don’t those guys just lose weight?
Camp Magnolia Girl #2: Why don’t you show them how to throw up after meals like you did?
11. Some people are just naturally fucking crazy.
13. Knowing a foreign language will come in handy one day.
14. The PerkiSystem can help turn you into a skinny weiner.
“Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is ‘value.’ Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer’s over, this camp’s gonna be filled with skinny winners!”
18. Punishment is a dish best served with honey.
“Bears looooove honey.”
24. Being fat is embarrassing to your parents.
27. Never forget to stretch before you exercise.
“Congratulations, you’ve just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity.”
28. Serenity (ommmm) is the Tony Perkins way of life.
“Did you ever hear the story of Icarus, who continually rolled the ball up the hill? But when he got too close, the ball melted in the heat of the Sun. You’re all like Icarus.”
33. Custodial services: someone’s gotta do it.
- The U.S. will release Israeli spy Jonathan Pollard after 30 years. The move isn't tied to the Iran nuclear deal, American officials say.
- Officials released new footage proving Sandra Bland was "alive and well" when her mugshot was taken. The release aims to counter social media rumors that she was deceased in the photo.
- The NFL has upheld Patriots quarterback Tom Brady's four-game suspension for his alleged involvement with the deflation of footballs 🏈