2. Exercise is key.
“I’M FEELING SKINNY TONY”
3. You can’t always judge a kid by his weight.
5. The opposite sex is totally attainable.
Camp Magnolia Girl #1: Why don’t those guys just lose weight?
Camp Magnolia Girl #2: Why don’t you show them how to throw up after meals like you did?
11. Some people are just naturally fucking crazy.
13. Knowing a foreign language will come in handy one day.
14. The PerkiSystem can help turn you into a skinny weiner.
“Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is ‘value.’ Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer’s over, this camp’s gonna be filled with skinny winners!”
18. Punishment is a dish best served with honey.
“Bears looooove honey.”
24. Being fat is embarrassing to your parents.
27. Never forget to stretch before you exercise.
“Congratulations, you’ve just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity.”
28. Serenity (ommmm) is the Tony Perkins way of life.
“Did you ever hear the story of Icarus, who continually rolled the ball up the hill? But when he got too close, the ball melted in the heat of the Sun. You’re all like Icarus.”
33. Custodial services: someone’s gotta do it.
- BP has agreed to pay a $18.7 billion fine to settle legal actions over the 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil spill.
- Boko Haram has killed 97 people at mosques in northeastern Nigeria, a government official told AP.
- Former Virginia Sen. Jim Webb, a Democrat with a military background, is running for president.
- Tidal is now the only place you can stream Prince's music. He's pulled his work from other services, like Spotify.