15 Things I Find More Interesting Than Your Baby

Don't get me wrong, I totally get where you're coming from. This is probably the most important time of your life. But at that awkward age when all of my friends and close family members start pairing off and popping out mini-me's, a steep desensitization to the tiny-humans I once found rather adorable occurs. By the 100th picture of your kid dressed as a carrot, I begin to desperately will the universe to break your iPhone. And no, I don't think I should start getting serious about settling down, because I just graduated from college, and we don't live in the Middle Ages.

1. This Fox Who Has Some Serious Ups

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Can your 6 month old do this? Doubt it. (And if he can, is that seriously the one thing he does that you chose not to post?)

2. Anything Shmidt Ever Says Or Does

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The man is pure gold.

3. The Best Christmas Present Ever

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The announcement that Sherlock will air a mini-episode on Christmas day made me believe in things again.

4. The Quest For A Fez

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Because. Fezzes are cool.

5. Hate-Mailing the Wonderful Aubrey Plaza

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Because I find it hard to express how much I love her. She is a magical goddess.

6. Free Food

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Or any kind of food, really.

7. Interactions with the Opposite Sex That Don't End in Shame

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Talking to other humans is hard. Talking to other humans who have different body parts than you is 1098527345X harder. If I can get through the day without calling someone my "homie", I think you're kid can crawl a few feet. Everyone just calm down.

8. Tom Hiddleston's Giggles

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Where are your ovaries now?

9. Plans To Escape The Office Christmas Party

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Bad food, bad music, other people...just awful. Can your kid get me out of it? If so, I rescind all negative comments and welcome him/her into the world with open arms.

10. Current Carlton Doing The Carlton Dance

It is glorious. Just glorious.

11. My Seat As Ruler of the Television

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I don't have time to look at your baby's new sailor outfit. I have to get home before everyone else, or I will have to watch American Pickers for the 8th day in a row.

12. The End of Racism

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Yes, I know what they were trying to say. Still, it's undeniably entertaining.

13. The Ongoing Battle Not To Hate Myself

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Baby stuff aside, the fact that your "post-baby body" looks better 2 months after giving birth than my current body is not helping. I am proud of you and all, but there are only so many "Before and After" bathroom selfies a person can take.

14. Becoming a Companion of the Doctor

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I mean who ISN'T waiting for the TARDIS to crash in their yard...

15. Fine. I Guess...In This One Instance...I Care A Little About Your Baby

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Even I can't help but spend a few moments "Awww"-ing the crap out of this.