1. This AMC Theatre combo meal.
So he could take you to the movies and enjoy your salty taste.
2. This T-shirt.
So he could feel you up and vandalize you all over.
3. This mustache.
So you could sit on his face 24/7.
4. This plaid kilt.
So his hand could casually brush against you.
5. This football.
So he could score a touchdown with you … shirtless … on the beach.
6. This microphone.
So he could talk dirty into you.
7. This book.
So he could lick his finger and turn your page.
8. This director’s chair.
So you could feel him pressed up against you as he sits on your lap.
9. This cell phone.
So you could flash him.
10. This foot attached to Judd Apatow.
So he could publicly tickle you on national television and hopefully develop a weird fetish for you.
11. This young girl’s glasses.
So you could watch his Ruddy ass walk away.
12. This couch.
So he could enjoy every inch of your crevasses.
13. This beard.
So you could keep him warm during the winter and occasionally make him itchy so he’d scratch you with his finger tips.
14. This glass of water.
So he could take a big gulp of you.
15. This axe.
So he could take you into the woods and chop his wood.
16. This book.
So he could stare at you for hours as he holds and moves his gentle fingers all over you.
17. This bowling ball.
So his finger could be inside of you as he uses his arm muscles to throw you around.