1. A latte is just a flat white in a goddamn glass.
2. Nobody cares that you went overseas and the coffee was undrinkable. If it's that important, you should never have left Melbourne.
3. Sugar shaming is never OK.
4. Your favorite hipster café could be a McDonald's and you may not even know it.
5. When people say expresso instead of espresso, you need to be the better person.
6. Coffee "tasting notes" are totally subjective.
7. Coffee doesn't taste better if you brew it in a whimsical contraption.
8. If you really cared about taste, you'd drink out of blue cups.
9. Drinking coffee so strong that it causes chemical burns doesn't prove your masculinity.
10. You aren't a scientist and you don't need a laboratory flask.
11. Latte art often lacks creative discipline.
12. Buying fair trade coffee is awesome, but shouldn't be a substitute for giving to charity.
13. A much easier way to make cold brew is to leave your mug on your desk overnight and drink it in the morning.
14. Putting butter in coffee is not a thing.
15. You need to stop hanging fixies on the wall.
16. Generally speaking, you need to dial it down a couple notches because everything's getting a little crazy.
17. Like the Sydney café that banned food because it's a "distraction".
18. And coffee prices that are totally unhinged from reality.
Columbian "HR61" coffee was recently sold in Melbourne for $30 a cup. To be fair, scientists have found that a high price actually makes us think stuff tastes better.
19. You need to realise that instant is not a crime.
20. That the rest of us all live happy and fulfilling lives without ever worrying about microfoam.
21. And that there is something beautiful about a perfectly ordinary, non-artisanal cup of coffee.
