3 Reasons Why The North Of England Is A Different Country Entirely

Being a stubborn southerner I’ve always classed ‘the north’ as anything higher than Oxford, so when I trekked up to Cumbria for a little while last year I hadn’t a clue what to expect. Well, I mean I’d subconsciously soaked in the odd episode of Coronation Street, but I was breaking new ground, a kind of Columbus of sorts. Here’s what I discovered on my illuminating journey:

1. The people can talk the hind legs off a donkey

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Talking to a stranger in London can lead you to getting sectioned. In Cumbria, there's no escaping mincing words with a tipsy bystander – even the seagulls are gobbier. Polite small talk up there is not only 'out the window', but splattered across the floor, blood everywhere. And they all relentlessly sandwiched 'y'know' after every other word in some form of self-assuring Tourette's. They're not embarrassed to tell you anything. Really. I used to know a girl from Blackpool and she was filthy.

2. If you don’t have a car you’re screwed

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Where I stayed in Santon there was only one taxi driver. To this day he's the only taxi driver I've ever had to wait outside his house while he did his kids' school run and then cooked and ate a full-on family dinner through the window. I tried to brave it on my own by walking over Scafell Pike, but I compromised my foot by falling in a hole because a sheep was looking at me funny.

3. Northerners are the nicest, most genuine Brits to walk the Kingdom

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I went to interview a 76-year-old farmer and we accidentally became best friends. Random strangers offered me free lifts, free booze and I ended up staying in a hotel with the Cumbrian Brat Pack – there was Eric Robson (adored face of Gardeners Question Time), David Powell Thompson (renowned TV broadcaster) and Terry Bond (the extreme camping landscape videographer). Seriously, the party's there and it's got dentures.