1. Well, here we go again. Wonder how badly we'll be beaten this time?
2. No, stop that. Be positive. This could finally be our year.
3. Two minutes 'til kick off and a guy in the Tartan Army is already topless. But where's his chest hair? One of life's great mysteries.
4. Ah, good old pre-match music. "500 Miles" should really be Scotland's national anthem.
5. It starts... and our centre-back immediately gets a yellow card. Amazing.
6. Our goalkeeper is time wasting already. 0–0 is clearly in the sights. Aim high, lads, aim high.
7. Should I appreciate that rather decent pass dished out by a player I really dislike from my rival club team? No.
8. OK, the opposition's pressure is building. Beer on intravenous drip, please.
9. And there it goes. We're one behind after just 15 minutes.
10. Wee Jimmy from accounts just won the office sweepstake.
11. So annoyed. All that preparation and optimism has gone out of the window just like that.
12. Meh, oh well. There's no harm in losing to a better team.
13. I wonder what pub we're going to after the game?
14. Whoa! We've won a corner. That's, like, almost a penalty.
15. Our braveheart defenders are coming up for it. Gallantly striding into the battle zone like William Wallace.
16. That was actually a nice cross… must be the wind.
17. Ooftt! Our defender scored! Ya dancer. That was totally the best goal ever.
18. OK, it was a scuffed header that flicked off a shoulder before being deflected in. But it was the best scuffed header.
19. Topless guy in the crowd is going wild. What a hero. We are topless guy. I am topless guy.
20. We can totally do this.
21. Wait, England are losing in their game? This is the best day ever.
22. A mis-hit strike off the crossbar! So close to taking the lead. Scotland, you really are beautiful today.
23. I've never wanted to buy a tartan kilt so much in my life.
24. Come on, goalie: Timewaste, timewaste!
25. Uh oh. Here's the dreaded comedown. The opposition are picking up again.
26. There's a bad feeling in my belly. Maybe it's just my digestive system fighting with the salad* I had for lunch.
27. *Chips and gravy.
28. This is like the opening game of France '98 all over again. Oh, the glory days.
29. We've somehow made it to half-time and we're not losing. Phew. This feels like getting into the Garage in Glasgow when you're 16. Yas!
30. What the hell is Amy Macdonald doing singing on the pitch?
31. Does she ever go away?
32. Okay, here we go again. Come on, Scotland, let's go tiki-taka on these guys.
33. Half of the team's on yellow cards.
34. And now one has received a free upgrade to a red. Dang.
35. The goalie's doing well under pressure. If only he had Jim Leighton's eyebrow Vaseline, though, then he'd be a world-beater.
36. Half an hour into the second half, and we've not even had a shot on goal yet.
37. This must be what it feels like to be Scotrail's timetabling boss: always missing targets.
38. Last 10 minutes. Sweaty palms.
39. Or is it just beer-tears weeping out of my system from last night?
40. Come on, boys. We're minutes away from a famous, tell-your-grandkids 1–1 draw.
41. Oh crap. The other team just scored.
42. Linesman, you neep! That was most definitely offside, I think. Maybe. Was it?
43. If you're not going to go to Specsavers, at least go to bloody Vision Express or something.
44. Oh wait, his flag is staying down. This is real. This is happening. This is shite.
45. I wonder what pub we're going to after the game?
46. They've all but snatched victory at the last minute. Just like when my brother thieved the last multi-pack can of Irn-Bru that I had been eyeing up all day.
47. Bru? Who cares about that now anyway. This disappointment calls for a whisky or four. Pub?
48. Come on, there's two minutes of added-on time. Let's just go for it! There's still hope. Not much, admittedly, but…
49. Wait! We've got a free kick near the box!
50. Aaaand it's ended up in row Z. Even ruddy Alex Salmond after a day on the sauce in the House of Commons bar could have hit that on target.
51. Well, there we go. Full-time whistle. Glorious failure yet again. So near, yet so far.
52. But hey, they tried their best and that's all that matters. Maybe they'll win next time?
53. Ach, probably not.
54. I'm off to the pub.