1. Walking Drifters
Learning to walk is hard. It takes most humans like 18 months to learn how to do it. But once you learn to do it, it ranks just behind breathing, blinking and judging people by their taste in music as the easiest thing a human can do. After all, it’s so easy you can learn to do it when you’re 18 months old. So unless you are missing a leg, or one leg is comically longer than the other, you should be able to walk in a straight line with little to no effort. Before breathalyzers were invented this was 90% of the police “are you drunk?” test.
Yet here I walk, directly behind you, failing miserably in my attempt to walk around you in an my effort to get to Jamba Juice as fast as humanly possible. If you’re texting and drifting while you walk, at least you have an excuse. Even if that excuse is you’re telling the girl that friend-zoned you 2 years ago “U totes look cute in that LOLZ!” But the rest of you non-texting-non-drunk drifters, you literally have only 1 job to do. Yet you manage to be everywhere I want to be. You’re like a Visa card. You’re certainly not American Express, because you are never express. You’re not even American Leisurely Stroll. You’re just American There and Keeping My Mouth Free Of Delicious Smushed Fruit.
2. Gigantic Umbrella People
We get it. It’s raining. You golf. You own a gigantic golf umbrella. Why bother purchasing another smaller umbrella when you already have a big enough umbrella to protect you and your extended family?
Because you aren’t with your stupid family (probably because they hate being seen with you and your satelite shaped Titleist ad) and are now the reason I just stepped into a puddle hopping off the sidewalk avoiding your mobile circus tent. Just because you own sports equipment that could benefit you in your daily life does not mean you should use it. By your logic I should hit you in the back with a baseball bat to move you out of my way. Or punt you because I’m wearing shoes.
3. Pizza Condiment Takers
Every pizza place that sells pizza by the slice has a condiment station. This is where you find your garlic, crushed red pepper, and, if you’re basking in the glow of a recently found lucky penny, grated parmesan. At most there are 2 of each of these items, but there is usually one.
For the love of Ninja Turtles, apply the condiments there. A piece of pizza is flat, you can see the entire surface. That means with each shake you can see exactly how garlic-ie your kisses are about to become. So just because your girlfriend is about to hate you, doesn’t mean I need to. If you’re at a burrito place, we get it. Applying a proper amount of hot sauce to a burrito is about as hard as learning to walk. But we’re at a pizza place and there is absolutely no need to bring the condiments to your table. If you do bring them to your table, do not look at me like I’m the dick when I interrupt your precious meal to ask for it.
Because if you do, I will sneeze.
4. In and Out Girl
This title is coming from the perspective of an East Coaster, but it’s interchangeable. The situation always goes like this, a non-competitive statement “I had lunch at 5 Guys Burgers and Fries.” Immediately followed by “OMG, In and Out is soooo much better.” Nevermind that the nearest In and Out is 1200 miles away and you were only making a statement of fact. They’ve been to flavor country (Mind you, this country is not Old Country Buffet because Golden Corral is soooo much better) and you need to know about it. And most likely they are bringing you this knowledge having only had a sample size of one visit. Probably from when they were on vacation when their minds were already set to automatic enjoyment because everything is new and “OMFG I’M NOT AT WORK!”
This person is also different from her cousin the One Upper. The OU is often coming from a place of insecurity and they’re trying to make you jealous puts them on par with you in their minds. While the In and Out Girl is still trying to make you jealous, especially since a huge reason she’s bringing it up is to subtly drop a hint at her previous travels, she also believes that this information will somehow help you. She pictures you someday in the near future driving down the 101…in the summer sun, looking out for number 1… when you say “by the ghost of Mischa Barton, do my eyes deceive me? An In and Out!” and you’ll be so grateful for their guidance you will thank her. But don’t thank her, because the response will be something like “Dude, In and Out has gotten crappy, come back to NYC. Shake Shack is sooo much better.”
5. Cashiers With No Sense of Urgency
Cashier at CVS isn’t what you dreamed of being (you probably preferred Rite-Aid), it has been a long day and my getting home in time to watch Community, before it’s canceled for reals this time, isn’t at the top of your “Things that register a Fuck in my world” list. So the line grows longer and faster than Pinnochios nose upon Giapetto discovering his “new folder (6) totally not porn” file.
We understand you can’t be in hustle mode all day. If we as humans have one thing in common, it’s our complete lack of effort towards our day jobs. But not only are you not hustling, now you’ve actually started talking to Tonya. We were already at the end of our rope with your not picking up the pace and you’ve actually just initiated a conversation with frigging Tonya about the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Now all I can picture is me open handed slapping you harder than Housewife 1 did to Housewife 2 that one time. I’ve never watched the show, but I assume this has happened..
6. People Who Don’t Understand Lines
I’m not talking about the assholes that purposely skip a line. They are fully aware that everyone hates them. They hate themselves. They’re that guy who didn’t watch baseball until they started telling you how huge a Red Sox fans they are until they suddenly became huge Phillies fans until they suddenly didn’t watch baseball. Strangely these self centered outliers of society don’t bother me as much as the oblivious line cutters. The kind that walks to the front door in of a concert hall not recognizing the line of people waiting because they are too consumed with “OMG Kim K’s latest tweet teehehehehe!”
The kind I’m refferring to is the middle aged woman carrying a gigantic purse, which if said line is for a train or bus she will eventually plop said purse in the seat next to her and not move it when someone needs a seat, who sees the 15 people in a straight line and it does not register that this is a line. She’ll probably stand next to it confusing everyone else until people start standing behind her forming a second line. This woman is chaos in bright white Keds.
This person is also the guy at a fast food place or a drug store that, not understanding that a bank style line has been formed, moves directly in front of an open cashier. As if none of us the rest of us mere mortals, with our limited intellect and peanut sized brains, considered moving to. What makes this worse is that this person thinks he has outsmarted us.
7. People Who Aren’t Prepared at the Head of Lines
You’ve waited in this cashier/event/bus line for 7 minutes. I know this because I’ve been standing behind you the entire time. And you’ve finally arrived at the front,”Yay!” Yet to your apparent complete surprise, you will need cash to purchase your non-fat Greek yogurt, “say whaaaat?!” You expected to enter this concert without a ticket, “I was too busy getting myself mentally prepared to rock!” You thought you could ride this bus without a fare, “why you frontin’ bus driver?”
I understand you may not own a Delorean, but you didn’t need a flux capacitor to see this inevitable moment coming.
Also, turn down those damn headphones. No one wants to hear that shitty Rihanna song. Because it’s always a shitty Rihanna song blaring from those damn headphones.