1. Pre Show: Biggest Box Office Flop
Winner: Les Miserable Directed by Bobby Valentine
After serving a 10 year sentence in Japan and at the analyst desk, Bobby Valentine is released and offered shelter by the Bishop of Boston, John Henry. Valentine is tasked with changing the BoSox culture of beer and fried chicken after the Sox finished 2011 by blowing a 9 game lead in the Wildcard. Like the real movie, there are high expectations, but he just can’t deliver. The Sox started bad and ended down right miserable with a last place finish in the AL East. Infighting began mid-season with rumors of star players Adrian Gonzalez and Dustin Pedrioa blasting Valentine to ownership on behalf of his team, Gonzalez would be traded to LA before the end of the season. Later Bobby V would accuse longtime fan favorite David Ortiz of quitting on his team, Ortiz would later accuse Valentine of having mental issues. Bobby was dead in Boston by October. The shortest tenure of a Sox manager since 1934.
Melky Cabrera in The Amazing Melk-Man: Pricked by a genetically engineered needle on a class field trip, Melky gains super human abilities and wins the All-Star game MVP. He’s then suspended on Aug. 15th and never returns.
The 1-Year Engagement Directed by Ozzie Guillen: A match made in heaven quickly falls apart as Ozzie offends all the Cubans in Miami with praise of Fidel Castro. The honey moon is over before it begins when anyone making any money on his team is traded before the season ends and Miami finishes last in the NL East.
Tim Lincecum in Abraham Lincecum: Louisville Hunter: In a twist on the well know tale where Lincecum is a great pitcher, he now has the uncanny ability to track down the barrel of Louisville Sluggers.
2. Best Supporting Actor
Winner: Mike Trout in Magic Mike Trout
Why is an MVP candidate best Supporting actor? Even though Christian Bale is the star of the current Batman franchise, the Dark Knight is remembered for one reason, Best Supporting Actor Heath Ledger as the Joker. If this sounds familiar, it’s because this was the plot of the 2012 LA of A Angels and “Magic Mike Trout” didn’t have to strip to steal the show. When Albert Pujols left St. Louis for a 10 year $254 Million deal, this was to become his team. His .217BA/0HR/4RBI April quickly changed that plan. Though he’d finish with a respectable 30HR and 105 RBI, it was Magic Mike who made a run at MVP with incredible defense accompanied by a league leading 129 Runs, 49 SB and 10.7 WAR with 30 HR; All this without being called up until April 28.
Stephen Strasburg in This is 160: Picking up where his story ended, we now find Stephen striking out the world while coming to terms with his inevitable march towards 160 innings. (15-6/3.16 ERA/197 K/11.1 K9)
Gio Gonzalez in Argio: His expectations are real, but his results are realer. (21-8/2.89 ERA/.206 BAA/9.35 K9)
David Price in 20 Jump Street: A young pitcher goes undercover as a seasoned veteran fooling hitters en route to his first 20 win season. (20-5/2.56 ERA)
Robinson Cano in Wreck it Robi : Growing tired of being on the outside looking in to the superstar world of his teammates, Robi crashes the party. (105 R/33 HR/.313 AVG/.929 OPS)
3. Best Actor
Winner: Miguel Cabrera in 0024, SkyBall
Many thought Mike Trout should’ve won the AL MVP, but he isn’t the star of his franchise, so he cant qualify for Best Actor. Besides it wouldn’t matter, Sabermetrics are like baseball indie flicks and the Baseball Academy of Voters (aka the ticket buying/TV watching public) loves a big budget film and Miguel Cabrera is a living breathing Blockbuster. His swing is smoother than James Bond, and his explosive bat is more Craig than Connery. He would’ve won this award solely on being the first Triple Crown winner (.330/44/139) since 1967, but he also lead the league in Slugging (.606) and OPS (.999).
Buster Posey in Buster, Who Lives at Home: In this coming of age tale we find a Buster returning from injury, still living at home, eventually finding what he needs most… another World Series ring. (.336 AVG/.408 OBP/.549 SLG/.957OPS)
Ryan Braun in The Rylight Saga: Breaking Braun Part 2: In the 2nd half of this saga, Ryan awakens to find he has transformed from human to pariah. Driven to prove his MVP season was not the result of uh-human abilities, he puts up another MVP caliber season. (41 HR/112 RBI/.319 AVG/.595 SLG/.987 OPS)
4. Best Director
Winner: Buck Showalter’s The O-vengers
The other 2 managers won their respective Managers of the Year, but Buck was the Best Director. While Melvin turned his A’s into an M. Night Shyamalan flick with their plot twist in the AL West, the O’s had a thrilling finish almost every night. Baltimore won 16 straight extra inning games, including a 17 inning marathon against Boston and an 18 inning game against Seattle. They even clinched their first playoff birth since 1997 with a walk-off hit in the 14th inning of a game against Tampa Bay. But what really makes Buck the Best Director is that he perfectly managed his team with bit players, especially with his pitching staff. While Davey had studs like Gio Gonzalez and Stephen Strasburg (kinda) and Nick Fury had Ironman and Captain America, Baltimore only had 1 pitcher with double digit wins, Wei-Yin Chen with 12.
Davey Johnson’s Capital City Awakening: 8 years after the fall of Montreal, a youth movement awakens the nations capital and the Nationals take the NL East.
Bob Melvin’s Green Knight Rises: A city left for dead 13 games back in the AL West rises from the ashes to pass the Rangers to end the regular season.
5. Best Picture
Winner: R.A. Dickey’s Knuckleball, An Expected Journey
Best Picture goes to the NL’s best Pitcher. The Hobbit reads like a true story when compared to this movie plot “A journeyman pitcher finally get it’s right. However, before he gets there he has to overcome the sexual abuse he experienced as a child and suicidal thoughts as an adult. He risks his entire 2012 salary climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro to raise $100,000 for victims of human trafficking. Then goes on to win 20 games and the National League Cy Young… then gets traded.”
Derek Jeter’s DJeter Unchained: Free from the shackles of his quest for 3000, Derek Jeter goes on to lead the AL in hits (216) and bats .316 at the age of 38… then breaks his ankle.
Bryce Harper’s The Harper Games: Told from the perspective of a teenager, young Bryce Harper debuts, dodges “Clown Questions” and lives up to the hype (almost) by winning NL Rookie of the Year.
Hernandez and Humber’s Pitcher Perfect: An exclusive club struggles to find new members when suddenly the league is Pitch Slapped with Perfect Games by Philip Humber and Felix Hernandez and 4 other no-hitters.
*Bold stat indicates league leader.
Chris Luther is a wanna-be comedian living in NYC. Follow him @chriscantlose