1. 8am counts as a lie-in.
2. That moment you glance in a mirror for the first time that day.
Forgot to brush hair? Check. Smudge of yesterday’s makeup around your eyes? Yep. Already done the school run? Of course.
3. You’ve forgotten what it’s like to go to the toilet without an audience.
4. So you’ve definitely hidden in the bathroom to eat a snack.
“I’LL BE OUT IN JUST A MINUTE!”
5. The postman knows that you are always in to receive packages. For everyone on your street.
No, it’s fine, really. Yes, the baby is napping. Thank you for shouting.
6. A quick trip to the shop definitely counts as an wholesome and educational excursion.
7. You are evangelical about the misuse of parent and child parking spaces.
“Not even a car seat in the car. HOW DARE THEY.”
8. Soft. Play. Hell.
Fun for them, guaranteed headache for you.
10. Because of the seriousness of an overtired baby.
Bedtime is ruined and no one will be sleeping well tonight.
11. That between 5 and 7pm is THE WORST time to call.
In fact, there is no good time to call. Send me a text. I’ll get back to you when the kids are ten.
12. But the joy when bed time is perfectly executed.
Bath, book, bed, AND fast asleep by 7pm. THAT’S the dream.
13. That children always get sick when you have plans.
14. But you are NOT ALLOWED to be ill.
Parenting whilst poorly will push your endurance to new heights.
16. Which means you feel left out during Christmas party season.
Office party for one.
17. Making you feel you need to justify your job, even when you know you shouldn’t have to.
“What do you DO all day??” Um…well, I couldn’t tell you exactly, but all I know is that I
never get one moment’s rest.
18. But you’ve never been as productive at any job EVER BEFORE.
Just give me a spare hour and I can take over the world.
19. You wonder how anyone survived before the advent of all day children’s television channels.
20. Andy, Cerrie, Katy and co feel like your best friends.
Because you regularly go whole days without speaking to another adult.
21. When anyone without children tells you how tired they are.
Mmm, you were out all weekend were you? You feel completely shattered? Uhuh.
22. That dads do not ‘babysit’ their own children.
“Is daddy babysitting tonight?” Um. NO. He’s just parenting. Y’know, like we both do every day.
23. Not being able to remember the last time you sat on the top deck of a bus.
No pushchairs? No small children? What kind of world is this??
24. When things that used to be a chore have now become the ultimate relaxation.
Going to the supermarket alone means time to peruse the aisles, ahh this is EXCELLENT…. Wait, what did I used to like doing?
25. Like the joys of a good drying day.
You’ve reached the bottom of the laundry basket and have space to hang it all out. Simple pleasures.
26. That everyone will remember your child’s name, and never think to ask for yours.
Only at baby group is it still perfectly acceptable to admit you don’t know a person’s name even tough you’ve been talking to them face to face every week for the last two months.