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    What To Expect When You're Not Expecting

    The 21 joys and struggles you can expect now that you're NOT pregnant. In your future I see:

    1. A Negative,

    A Celebratory Dance,

    2. And Mother Nature.

    3. Everyday Sexism. Whether Pregnant or Period- They Will Find a Way to Assume It's Just Your 'Hormones'.

    4. No Preferred Seating For You.

    5. People Mistaking Your Holiday Fat for a Growing Newborn.

    6. Throwing Up in the Morning

    7. Guilt Free… Everything, Really.

    8. Because You Don't Have to Deal With Needy Children- or Uteruses

    9. And You Get to Smugly Rub All This Guilt Free Enjoyment in on Your, Less Fortunate, Embryo Burdened Friends.

    10. Meanwhile Your Pregnant Friends Get to Enjoy Guilt Free...

    11. and, Well... Sex.

    12. Expect late nights...

    13. And Live It Up Before Your Parents Start Bugging You For Grandchildren...

    14. Can Someone Just Bring Me Some Wine Already?

    15. Expect to Read Warning Labels for Your Own Safety

    16. Unimpeded Spontaneous Travel

    17. Pants Without an Elastic Band

    18. And Forfeiture of all Naming Rights to Nonexistent Baby.

    19. Then You Get to Enjoy the Next ‘Expectancy Scare’ All Over Again Next Month

    20. But No Matter What State Your Womb is In, This Will Always Be a Bad Idea.

    21. Now Go Forth and Fail to Multiply