1. "I'm lactose intolerant."
2. "Why must you torture me so?"
3. "Having a bunny hat will not trick me into thinking it's Easter time. I know it's fall."
4. "You know what would cheer me up? An actual Sunday."
5. "I feel like an asshole."
6. "I converted to Judaism two years ago."
7. "This color pink makes me want to throw up."
8. "You can't tell me you're not depressed by this."
9. "Kill me now."
10. "I went to UCLA, this is insulting."
11. "The last time I 'roared' you laughed and it hurt my feelings."
12. "I am not Phoebe from "Friends", nor do I aspire to be."
13. "Oh come ON, this is the worst of the Halloween songs."
14. "I farted ONE time. When will you let me live it down??"
15. "AARGG MAT--no. Never again, I'm ashamed I even tried."
16. "I get it. 'Bam Bam'. But do you realize how awful it is to put an unreachable bone on a pug's head?"
17. "Are you giving me this hat because I'm fat?"
18. "You're either clinically insane or a bonafide monster."
19. "This has to bum you out too."
20. "This is exactly why I won't go near the ocean."
21. "I'm trying to hide my tears with a smile. Do you have any idea how emotionally draining this crap is?"
