1. "Look, I will not show up at the gym after this treadmill incident. You can't say that I didn't try."
2. "Okay, I am eating vegetables so I'm just not going to work out all year, it's fine."
3. "What kind of fucked up heathen invented low-fat jerky?"
4. "Look, I already finished most of the bowl, the remainder of this bowl isn't the problem. LET ME HAVE THIS."
5. "Ok, so I bought the guitar but learning to play it seems...unnecessary at this point."
6. "Yeah, I was going to work on hitting the 'snooze' button so I got rid of the problem all together: no alarm."
7. "Yes, I wanted to start saving money but it's so difficult when getting money out is this easy."
8. "Yes, I was going to give up my phone, and video games, and beer and treats but I...just want it. I want it all."
9. "The novel is not progressing as planned."
10. "Being more outgoing seemed a lot more desirable in the comfort of 2013."
11. "And like...new friends are kind of terrifying."
12. "My new years resolutions to drink less and socialize more have become increasingly conflicting."
13. "I didn't think getting a new look would be this emotionally taxing."
14. "I wanted to cut down my carbon footprint by carpooling but this is getting to be a little much."
15. "Be more trusting? Done with that shit."
16. "Keeping in touch is hard now that I've completely forgotten how a phone works."
17. "And being more patient with family isn't working out so well."
18. "Watching less TV has translated in watching more, and closer up."
19. "Being more patient with strangers? Don't know why I thought that was possible."
20. "Why did I ever think I should be more organized when throwing things around just feels so good?"
21. "Sometimes OKCupid is not the best match maker."
22. "The idea of spending more time outdoors was so much less terrifying when I thought about it sitting on my couch watching 'Planet Earth'."
23. "Anyone who made a resolution other than 'more 'me' time' is a downright fool."
