The 8 Step Guide To Your First NYC "Delivery Service" Transaction

Because Weedster is just around the corner and you can't show up empty handed.

1. Step 1: The Hook Up

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This is it. Your friends dealer has reached out to you. You now have an "in". You celebrate your "in" by getting on urban dictionary to look up the word “Cop” and you realize that you are trying to do just that.

2. Step 2: Your First Contact

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This moment is huge. The first words you will ever utter (via text) to your new Drug Dealer. You catalog through every episode of The Wire that you've ever seen and decide to channel a Season 3 Omar Little.

Before realizing that you have no inner Omar

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3. Step 3: The Menu

You will receive a Rosetta Stone like offering of marijuana strains.

The internet, as always, will be your best friend.

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The shame you will feel at having spent more than two decades of your life not knowing what Sour Girl Scout is will know no bounds. Embrace it. Then move forward.

4. Step 4: Swing and Miss

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Sensing the closing of your weed window you abandon your search and select the coolest yet safest sounding strain on the menu.

Without realizing it, you’ve selected the most expensive possible option.

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Once the shock subsides you Urban Dictionary the phrase "Bet" and continue the transaction. After checking your budget of course.

This is your budget:

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How did you go over for Lunch at Work again?

You revert to total honesty in the face of financial ruin.

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5. Step 5: The Swap

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This is the part when you actually give your address to a drug dealer. Every parent, every teacher, every school resource officer you’ve ever met is telling you to put your phone away and go fill out Grad School apps. But every Friday night, every Snoop Dogg song, every cool upperclassmen you've ever known is telling you that if you give your address to this person you will be high in less than 3 hours and that is pretty cool. Your school resource officer would be so disappointed.

6. Step 6: The Wait

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Perhaps the single most strenuous part of “The Delivery Service” experience. You will go to the ATM and get cash. You will wonder if the people in line know what your cash is for. You will practice cool ways to hand over this cash. You may reference The Wire once again for this.

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You will go home and play “pump up music”. Regardless of what you’re listening to it’s 100% guaranteed that you will try on several outfits in an attempt to look like the kind of person that has weed delivered to their home. Then your phone will ring.

7. Step 7: The Exchange

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Your drug dealer is outside. You think for a second about inviting him in. But you haven't cleaned your apartment since your parents last visit so that isn't an option. You go outside expecting to see this.

But instead you see this:

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What you assumed would be an amalgamation of scenes from the movies Scarface, Blow, and Traffic has become this:

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You’re new drug dealer is now your new friend!

8. Step 8: The Reward

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Congratulations! You have now procured your own adult agricultural products and can at any point in your future do so again. You are empowered, you are strong, you are…. going to eat all the hummus in your fridge and binge watch The Magic School Bus on Netflix for 6 hours. Enjoy.