1. When your alarm goes off at 3:30am because you're opening the store that day.
2. When a customer thinks you're sexually attracted to them just because you asked for their name.
3. When a customer thinks you're sexually attracted to them because you've asked them how their day is.
I'm being polite. I don't actually give a shit how you are.
4. This exchange: "Grande latte for Jamie!" "Is that for me?" "Is your name Jamie?" "No, I'm Steve."
5. When someone asks for a "large ice water, with extra ice".
6. When someone orders "two shots of espresso over ice, but in a medium cup", and you know they're going to go fill up their cup with free milk from the condiment bar.
7. When someone takes the sugar or chocolate powder from the condiment bar and keeps it on their table as if its their own personal sugar just for them.
8. When you spot the impatient person in the back of the queue who you know is going to be a total dick.
9. But then getting that sweet sense of satisfaction when you secretly give them decaf.
10. When someone orders a non-fat, sugar-free drink and then a lemon drizzle muffin.
11. When you ask someone what they want and their answer is: "Hold on, I have a list."
12. When a customer sits down to talk to you when you're on your break.
I JUST WANT TO EAT MY DISCOUNTED SANDWICH IN PEACE.
13. When a customer reaches over the counter to grab something instead of asking.
14. When you spot someone shoving a giant handful of sugar packets into their handbag.
15. Trying not to laugh when someone does this while asking for a "sleeve-jacket thing" for their drink.
16. When someone orders a "venti" coffee but you're not a Starbucks.
17. When people try to over-pronounce the Italian names for drinks.
"This isn't Rome, please get a grip."
18. When people straight up invent drink names: "Hello yes I'd like a grande mocha jetachinno."
19. When a customer is on their mobile, and actually puts up a finger to shush when you dare ask what they want.
20. Trying to make a drink when you can feel a customer watching your every single move.
21. And then fucking it up because they made you nervous.
22. When a customer tells you the exact temperature they want their milk steamed to.
23. When anyone orders "half-caf".
24. When someone takes one sip of their drink and tells you that you made it wrong but YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T.
25. And then when someone asks for a discounted refill with a cup you know has been sitting in their car for three weeks.
26. This exchange: "Here's a large, decaf cappuccino for Sandra!" "Is it decaf?" "YES."
27. And this one: "I have a small, non-fat latte for Nicky." "Is it non-fat?" YES, THAT'S JUST WHAT I FUCKING SAID.
28. When a customer leans over the counter and says these dreaded words: "The men's toilet is blocked."
29. When anyone rearranges the furniture for their "meeting".
30. When someone can't connect to the Wi-Fi and you're suddenly IT support.
31. When someone thinks it's appropriate to bring in McDonald's and casually eat it with their coffee.
32. When someone asks for "extra, extra caramel".
33. Or for "extra, extra whipped cream."
34. Or straight up just orders a cup of whipped cream and a spoon.
35. When someone points to which specific cookie they'd like.
"Third from the back on the left... Not that one... Not that one... Yes."
36. Or claims their croissant was "stale" and demands a refund despite eating the entire thing.
37. When a dodgy regular gives you their number.
38. When you're out in public after your shift and you overhear someone saying they can smell coffee, and you know it's you.
39. And you realise that no matter how often you shower, you and your belongings will always smell of espresso and burnt croissants.
Hang in there, baristas of the world. We know it's tough.
