How To Lose Friends And Make People Hate You

"But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me??"

Cancel plans as frequently as possible, preferably at the last minute.

Tumblr / Via tumblr.com

Bonus points if you wait until a) you know they already re-arranged their schedule to faciliate these plans with you, b) you know they have already left and are on their way to meeting you, or c) both.

Talk shit about them to mutual friends.

Via Rebloggy.com

While it might be sufficient to just simply talk shit about them to anyone who will listen, it's a lot more effective if the person you talk shit to actually knows, and is friends with, them. That way, you will likely lose the trust of the person you're talking to, as well as the person you're talking shit about once they find out!

Give them your brutually honest opinion on everything they do, even.. no-- especially when-- they don't ask for it.

Via maximumwage.wordpress.com

Make sure you include the fact that you're definitely NOT judging them, though. That makes it seem like you are, and it is important to know when you're being judged, so you know to behave better.

Distract them from your flaws and insecurities by constantly pointing out theirs.

Via reddit.com

Preferably in public, in front of people who will laugh along with you, and tell them to stop being so f*cking sensitive when they get mad at you.

When you go out, itemize the bill down the last cent... especially if you are with a large group of people.

Via quizzicalllama.wordpress.com

If anyone accuses you of being cheap, or annoying, just explain to them that you are on a tight budget and don't have the benefit of using Daddy's credit card (even if you have no idea whether or not they are actually using their parent's credit card).

If you start dating someone, stop picking up your phone for anyone other than your new BAE.

Via s207.photobucket.com

It's okay to forget who you spent the majority of your time with before you met your signficant other... after all, they'll still be there once your babe dates you, right? When they get all whiney about you "forgetting to call them on their birthday" because you were "too busy getting a tattoo of your boyfriend's name on your wrist when you've only known him for two weeks"- just remind them that it is okay they feel that way, but it is improtant for them to remember that they are only pissed because they are jealous.

Always be thinking of what your response is going to be while they are still talking.

It's not that you aren't listening to what they are saying to you, it's just that you need to make sure that what you say next is interesting and, let's be real, they are just talking to talk, what they really need is to hear about how your story trumps theirs and how you can "totally relate."

Don't like any of their social media posts.

However, if you find the urge to interact with one of their posts and acknowledge their existence online, try to make it just a comment rather than a like, and say something rude or embarassing that you know family members will probably see too.

Whenever possible, make self-depricating comments to fish for compliments.

Via elitedaily.com

Being kind to people makes you feel better about yourself. So give them opportunities to compliment you as often as possible so they feel better about THEMselves. You're like, really thoughtful.

Only contact them when you need something.

Via forum.bioware.com

Be considerate of your friendship and their needs by only contracting them when you need something from them-- whether that be a shoulder to cry on, someone to dog sit, or to use their Facebook account to cyber-stalk your ex. You don't have to worry about accidently talking to them when they need something from you, since you never know what they need, because you never ask what's going on in their life.

When you drink with them, get as sloppy as possible.

Via google.com

Now is the time when you want to get as blacked out as possible so you can capitilize on the opportunity to be brutally honest. Malicious, even. If they get upset in the morning, you can say you don't remember, or just blame it on the alcohol.

Master the art of humble-bragging.

Via stylecaster.com

People can appreciate when someone is confident and comfortable in their own skin. So instead of owning the things you are proud of about yourself, learn how to humble-brag, which involves mixing a modestly self-depricating statement with a brag about something you're actually trying to show off. Example, "I'm so sick of people confusing me with Jennifer Lawrence. Like, I'm my own person, you know? It gets really annoying."