I Am
A message to those struggling
A message to those struggling
The sun was setting as I put my sneakers on and grabbed my headphones out of my car. I started walking through my backyard and suddenly stopped. I turned back for my house and did not go on a run. It was at this point I realized how badly I had been affected by something that happened to me over a month ago. I’m one who usually pushes things aside. I tell myself if I don’t think about it it’ll just go away. This was something that my subconscious never let me push this aside. This was something deeper engrained that I eventually realized would take time to recover from. I did everything you’re not supposed to do. I was walking alone at 3:30am. I was slightly intoxicated. I was wearing a dress and heels. But the worst of it all, I trusted someone I had just met. On Thursday, June 18th 2015, I was attacked in Rome, Italy. No, I wasn’t raped. No, I wasn’t seriously injured. Yes, I was mentally injured. My life was threatened. I could have been killed at any moment, but I wasn’t. And sadly enough, that was the best outcome of this shitty situation. I was hit over the head unexpectedly. Repeatedly asked if I wanted to die. Repeatedly told I was going to die. I believe my words saved my life that night. I fought for my life through my words. I didn’t want to die. “I have my whole life ahead of me,” I thought. And I remember thinking how I was determined to make it out of this awful situation alive. “You don’t need to do this.” “I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” Something clicked in his eyes. I escaped with no more than a bump on the head physically. But I can’t explain in words how psychologically traumatizing that situation was. And I wasn’t even raped. I internally grasped this thought for a while. I thought, “I have no room to want to be upset by what just happened to me. It could’ve been worse. I wasn’t even raped.” Through some gracious help I’ve received from others, I’ve learned that this is never the correct way to think, though our brains may originally react that way. Although we may put ourselves in vulnerable situations, there is never a time when anyone has the right to want to hurt you, or worse off try and hurt you. And although I originally blamed myself, I’m now able to comprehend the statement above. We can always take precautions to protect ourselves, but even if we let our guard down, that doesn’t mean we are asking to be hurt. I was terrified to go on that run tonight, July 24th 2015. The man’s face and voice popped back up in my head. I was having flashbacks to that early Thursday morning in Rome. Although I can’t even begin to imagine what rape entails, I can only hope this message reaches somebody in a similar situation. Just because you might not have been seriously physically injured doesn’t mean an experience hasn’t left a permanent scar on you. And it’s okay to be upset about what happened and want to talk about it. I am.
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