1. No matter how tired you may be on a long haul flight, we’re definitely sleepier.
We’ve been up longer, done more running around, and we stand up for 7-plus hours. You can’t beat us in the exhaustion stakes.
3. Learning to smile that much is a PRACTISED skill.
Whether people are screaming, vomiting, or whining, that smile can not crack.
4. Speaking of vomit, we’re pretty unfazed by it.
Those toilets? We clean them at least once every 20 minutes. We’re so over puke.
5. You’ll be hard pressed to find an air hostess who is in the Mile High Club.
Once you’ve cleaned aircraft loos enough, you know better than to expose your parts to those surfaces. Not sexy.
6. What happens on layovers stays on layovers.
This is the most incestuous business around - the very premise of those short stays on distant shores sets us all up in literally ideal no-strings circumstances.
7. At home, we are total flakes.
Our sets of 24 hours aren’t the same as grounds-people’s, and we are always knackered, so don’t try to make plans with us. We will forget we were meant to see you, or more likely, fall asleep.
8. On board, hygiene is king. We’ve been known to wash our hands with bottled alcohol when the disinfectant runs out.
No more antibacterial gel? No matter - Bombay Sapphire it is!
9. Our handbags are the most terrifyingly organised yet random things you will ever see.
Passport, check. Sunglasses, check. Hair gel, ENDLESS spare stockings, clear nail polish for ladder prevention, blister plasters, toothbrush, mini iron - check check check check check.
10. If you see us standing in a random spot in the cabin during lights out, we’re not really keeping an eye on you.
It’s probably just the warmest place we could find, and we’re actually watching your in-flight movie over your shoulder to stay awake.
11. We love it when you come and talk to us during quiet hours on long haul because we are SO. BORED.
If I read Paris Match one more time, I’m going to kill everybody.
12. We have a bizarre tolerance for bad behaviour from passengers - we understand that being tired, uncomfortable, and scared makes us all act out sometimes.
So it’s all pretty meh.
15. Telling you there is no more of something that you want, when there clearly is.
16. And exerting our unbelievable power by REALLY MAKING SURE your seatbelt is done up EXTRA TIGHT.
17. When we travel ourselves, we are totally outraged by having to actually queue for customs.
18. And we are TOTALLY judging the level of service on board, mostly by throwing shade at scruffy hostesses with bad attitudes and shoddy hair to boot.
19. We have no body clocks and we put up with more shit than you can imagine (literally, we have seen poo on the most inconceivable of surfaces).
22. Oh and one last thing. If the oxygen masks ever come down during a flight - you will already have shat yourself, because science.
Just let that sink in.
Note: This post was written under a pseudonym.