1. There’s SO MUCH PRESSURE to have the “night of your life” on New Year’s Eve.
If you don’t have the most fun you’ve ever had, society will make you feel like a first-rate loser.
2. Everyone you know keeps asking what you’re doing on New Year’s when you have no plans and don’t care about having plans.
3. Sequins are itchy.
And you’ll have to get as sparkly as possible if you plan to go out because it’s New Year’s.
4. The amount of time you spend planning your outfit and getting ready to go to a party is never actually worth it.
Like, you’ll spend DAYS coming up with this, leave the house with the attitude to match, and arrive at a party where everyone is just wearing flat ankle boots and skinny jeans.
5. Wearing your sexy party outfit in the cold weather never works out like this.
This image* is a LIE — it’s never this fun to be out in the snow in platform pumps and bare legs, even if you have a man to carry you and be all sweet about it.
Found on PINTEREST! *shakes fist at Pinterest’s recklessly idealistic ways*.
6. Ditto your elaborate makeup.
You’ll use some fancy 12-step tutorial to get the perfect, sexy raccoon eye, and as soon as you arrive wherever you’re going, you’ll see someone who just wore eyeliner and looks perfect and wonder why you bothered.
7. Restaurants do annoying, expensive prix-fixe menus, so you can’t even go out for a normal, low-key dinner.
And even if you resign to do the expensive prix-fixe thing, you have to realize you want to do this week’s in advance before everything books up.
8. Ditto nightclubs.
9. Even if you decide to try the nightclub thing, you’ll get inside and be instantly annoyed.
Sometimes, no amount of pre-gaming can make nightclubs tolerable.
10. If you’re single, that awkward moment when everyone’s expected to kiss someone.
11. If you’re attached, that awkward moment when you’re expected to make out in public.
12. Getting around is impossible.
Buses and trains are packed, cabs are full, and you’re not driving because the only way through the night is with alcohol. And you’re wearing heels.
14. The one time you travel abroad on New Year’s Eve, you realize that lots of other cities in this world have the same New Year’s hassles.
Drunken fools run rampant, and restaurants and nightclubs are booked solid. Meanwhile, in a foreign land you’re less likely to be able to hit a friend’s house party to save the night.
15. After New Year’s Eve, you’ll have a terrible champagne hangover.
16. Your amazingly not-hungover friend at brunch will inevitably claim more alcohol will cure it.
This is only going to make Jan. 2 that much harder.
17. But you’ll probably end up drinking anyway while waiting hours for your table, since the line will look like this:
18. The service at brunch is going to be slower than usual…
19. …leaving your friends lots of time to talk about how they “got so drunk” last night.
20. You can’t go to the gym on New Year’s Day because all the people who have “resolved” to work out are crowding up the joint.
You’ll have to wait for all the cardio machines that are usually empty! Workout classes will be totally full! This will go on until March, when you’ll get a month of reprieve before the gym clogs up again with “bikini body” strivers in May.